“The NFL season kicks off Thursday night right here on NBC, right after the season finale of President Obama.” – Jay Leno
“Obama will give a speech on job growth. I don’t think it will be a big speech.” – Jay Leno
“One of President Obama’s speech writers quit his job to pursue his dream of writing comedy. So now, he’s a speech writer for Michele Bachmann.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney revealed a 59-point job plan at a big auto dealership. That shows you how smart Romney is. He knows that a politician only looks honest when he’s standing next to a car salesman.” – Jay Leno
“The fact that you’re out of money makes you relatable to so many Americans right now.” – Stephen Colbert (to Tim Pawlenty)
“According to a report, the Post Office could go out of business this winter. On the bright side, the Post Office won’t receive the report in the mail for another two years.” – Conan O’Brien
“According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there.” – Jay Leno
“Labor Day is when Americans take three days off from looking for work.” – David Letterman
“The Los Angeles Dodgers may be bought by Chinese investors. Finally, something China is not going to win at.” – Conan O’Brien
“In a new interview, Joe Biden says the one thing he hates about his job is not getting to drive his 1967 Corvette. Yeah, Biden’s Corvette is pretty sweet – cherry red finish, shiny chrome rims, fully-charged remote control.” – Jimmy Fallon
“George W. Bush’s niece was married over the weekend. The wedding was rodeo-themed, just like Bush’s presidency.” – David Letterman
“A town in Arizona wants to have its own version of Spain’s running of the bulls. Right. If there’s one thing Arizona is missing it’s thousands of Spanish-speaking people running for their lives.” – Jimmy Fallon
