“Dick ‘Kaboom’ Cheney has written a book, and he says he wouldn’t change anything. He feels strongly about this. He’d still invade the wrong country.” – David Letterman
“Get this. In a recent interview, Dick Cheney said that his new memoir will have quote ‘heads exploding’ in D.C. Yeah, especially if you read it while you’re on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Cheney says he wrote the memoir because friends encouraged him to do it. This guy has friends?” – David Letterman
“The rhetoric is heating up between Republicans Rick Perry and Mitt Romney. These two do not like each other. Perry has opposed many of Romney’s positions – but to be fair, so has Romney.” – Jay Leno
“Happy birthday to Sen. John McCain, who turned 75 today. He celebrated with a party that was going just fine – until he invited Sarah Palin.” – Craig Ferguson
“Happy Birthday to John McCain, who turned 75 years old today! A lot has changed since he was born. Back then a dollar was worth 20 cents. Today, it’s not worth nearly that much.” – Jimmy Fallon
“John McCain turned 75 today. He thought Hurricane Irene was a flapper he had a crush on in the ’20s. On Friday the world’s oldest woman celebrated her 115th birthday in Georgia. John McCain said, ‘Irene!?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hurricane Irene wasn’t that bad. In fact, it was downgraded to a tropical storm. Even our hurricanes are getting downgraded. Maybe Irene owed money to China too.” – Jay Leno
“Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back.” – Jay Leno
“They had so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years.” – Jay Leno
“New York even the subways were closed for Irene. New Yorkers had nowhere to go to the bathroom. They were stunned.” – Jay Leno
“Moammar Gadhafi had a photo album of pictures of Condoleezza Rice. Who doesn’t have one of those?” – David Letterman
“Gadhafi is apparently on the run, though today he released a message congratulating Beyonce on her pregnancy.” – David Letterman
“Vice President Joe Biden has been in China meeting with the Chinese Vice President. One embarrassing moment during the trip when he met the Chinese Vice President’s children, he said, ‘What factory do you work in? Those are nice sneakers, did you make those?'” – Jay Leno
