“Gaddafi’s sons are getting arrested. A revolution is not the best time to be a dictator’s sons, or as they’re called in Libya, dictator tots. It’s tater tots with a “dic” in front.” – Craig Ferguson
“No one knows where the low-budget Bond villain Moammar Gaddafi is. He swears he’ll die in his compound. He’s a guy, once he gets a bad idea he sticks with it. Look at this picture. “I’m going to wear the curtains.” – Craig Ferguson
“Yesterday, earthquake; today, hurricane. Where do you go next — Tripoli?” – David Letterman
“They traced the epicenter of the earthquake to N.J. Governor Chis Christie’s aerobics class. No, to Kim Kardashian’s honeymoon suite. ” – David Letterman
“The earthquake was so strong that the Tea Party shifted to the center.” – David Letterman
“After the earthquake on the East Coast, they found Mayor Bloomberg standing under his desk.” – David Letterman
“The east coast is still cleaning up after the earthquake. Experts say this only happens once a century. It’s Larry King’s third.” – Craig Ferguson
“On the bright side, I didn’t have to shake my morning martini.” – David Letterman
“Apparently there’s a crack in the Washington Monument. Calm down, Marion Barry, I said ‘a crack.'” – Craig Ferguson
“They felt the earthquake at Martha’s Vineyard. It was so bad, President Obama nearly missed a putt.” – David Letterman
“President Obama is enjoying the fun and sun in Martha’s Vineyard. It’s really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating.” – David Letterman
“The earthquake registered 5.8 on the Richter scale. I’ve had bigger heart attacks than that.” – David Letterman
“A guy last week put a fatwa out on me. CBS has been great. When they heard about it, they started holding auditions for my replacement.” – David Letterman
“I’m sorry I was late coming out. Backstage I was talking to the guy from CBS. We were going through the CBS insurance policy to see if I was covered for jihad.” – David Letterman
“A guy, a radical extremist, threatened to cut my tongue out. I wish I had a nickel … I think the first time was during the Academy Awards.” – David Letterman
“Tonight you people are more to me than an audience. You’re more like a human shield.” – David Letterman
“Today Mitt Romney announced he’s building a $12-million beach house in California. There’s a man who can read the mood of the country.” – David Letterman
