Political Irony

“There have been huge riots in England the past couple of days. People are fighting, throwing rocks, smashing windows. And they’re doing it the hard way, without a soccer game.” – Jay Leno

“Here’s what I don’t understand about rioting. If you’re going to destroy a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Michele Bachmann said that if she’s elected president, she won’t read words off a teleprompter. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin said that if she’s elected president, she won’t read words.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin’s daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award.” – Jay Leno

“Levi Johnston, who got Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol pregnant, has a sister Mercede, who just posed for ‘Playboy’ and said some very unflattering things about the Palins. She said Track Palin, who she dated, used cocaine and oxycodone, that Sarah Palin forced him to go into the military to protect herself, and that if Palin became President she’d have a mental breakdown. Then the photographer asked her to turn a little so he could get both nipples.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Republican Party is making automated robocalls to voters, blaming Democrats for the credit downgrade. Yeah, I thought I got a robocall from Mitt Romney. Turns out it was actually Mitt Romney.” – Jimmy Fallon

‎”Obama is going to use ‘weird’ as code for ‘Mormon.’ I am really starting to respect that urban, rhythmic, Socialist, Kenyan secret Muslim.” – Stephen Colbert (on the Obama campaign’s apparent plan to target Mitt Romney as “weird”)

“We finally get a black President, and our credit goes bad. If Obama’s going to be stereotyped as black he should own it. And by ‘own it’ I mean rent it.” – Daily Show “senior black correspondent” Larry Wilmore

“Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother of the former president. Analysts say he’s sewn up the crucial ‘guy you didn’t know existed’ vote.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating should give America ‘a renewed sense of urgency.’ A renewed sense of urgency? The only people that don’t think it’s urgent are the congressmen that just went on a five week vacation.” – Jay Leno

“Financial analysts are worried that we may be headed for a double-dip recession. That sounds delicious to me.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money.” – Jay Leno

“A new report shows that due to the weak economy right now, more Americans are canceling their cable television. Good luck trying to live without eight shows about cakes.” – Conan O’Brien

“Did you know that China has the exact same credit rating that we do? You’d think their credit would be better, but it’s not. Look who owes them all the money.” – Jay Leno