“The United States’ credit rating was downgraded to AA+. Am I the only one who thinks that doesn’t sound so bad?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Standard & Poor’s has lowered our credit rating to AA+, which means no one will lend us money or go to 2nd base with us.” – Conan O’Brien
“S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse. Today, Italy, England, and Greece un-friended us on Facebook.” – Jay Leno
“S&P makes a $2 trillion mistake. Or as it’s known in financial circles, a ‘Trump’.” – Daily Show tweet
“By the way, the ratings agency is Standard & Poor’s. Who’s going to listen to a company whose name translates to Average & Below Average?” – Jon Stewart
“President Obama said that even though we’ve been downgraded, we’re still a AAA nation. Unfortunately, he meant in the minor league baseball sense.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Standard and Poor’s has also warned there’s a 1 in 3 chance we could be downgraded again in the next three years. We could go from AA+ to F.U. That’s how bad it’s gotten.” – Jay Leno
“Man, America’s credit rating took a real hit this weekend. On Friday night, the U.S. actually lost its AAA status. Or as Joe Biden put it, ‘What happens if I get a flat tire?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Standard & Poor’s has downgraded us from AAA to AA+. We have to take a note home and have our parents sign it. Don’t pull anything out of the stock market until 12:45 tomorrow. By then I should be over international waters.” – Stephen Colbert
“Wall Street got so hammered today Ronnie and The Situation tried to have sex with it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can’t hurt us again until tomorrow.” – Jay Leno
“We owe China more than a trillion dollars. Why don’t we just give them Florida?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn’t tell them we just spent $76 million going to the Smurf movie.” – Conan O’Brien
“If the Lord can turn water into wine, surely he can turn debt into wine – which is good, because we’re gonna need a drink.” – Stephen Colbert
“The economy’s so bad Angelina Jolie is now adopting kids from America. My Facebook friends are now eating their Farmville animals. Piers Morgan can only afford to hack into the voicemail of Ringo.” – Conan O’Brien
“We’ve always been told our kids and grandkids are going to have to pay for our reckless spending. Now WE have to pay?!” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of Economics. So he can’t be president, but he can get a job on President Obama’s economic team.” – Jay Leno
“Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he’s not going to resign. He had suggested he might be leaving and getting a job in the private sector. But thanks to his economic policies there are no jobs in the private sector, so I guess he’s going to stay.” – Jay Leno
“I don’t know why Timothy Geithner would quit working at the Treasury. It must be an easy job now, especially since there’s no money in it.” – Jay Leno
“About 45,000 Verizon employees are on strike after failing to reach a new contract. Yeah, things are so bad, the S&P downgraded them from ‘Verizon’ to ‘AT&T.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren’t home when the question was asked.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Only a couple of days until the big Republican Iowa Republican straw poll. Pollsters say it’s a dead heat between the guy you never heard of, the guy who used to be somebody, and the woman who has no chance of winning.” – Jay Leno
