[Jokes from Aug 16, 2017]
Last Saturday, Nazis and the KKK provoked violence in Charlottesville, Virginia. That’s what they wanted. That’s why they went there. After a Nazi killed a young woman named Heather Heyer, Donald Trump made a statement and improvised during the statement, that there was violence on “many sides, many sides.” And people were upset — other than Nazis. Nazis liked it. – Stephen Colbert
Let’s start off with some good news. Donald Trump did not have a press conference today. – James Corden
I’m still recovering from President Trump’s kamikaze press conference yesterday, where Donald let Donald be Donald — the consequences and our country be damned. It was truly one for the ages — specifically, 1939 to 1945. – Stephen Colbert
We are enjoying a little bit of calm after a storm named Hurricane Donald ravaged much of the country yesterday. – Jimmy Kimmel
And mind you — this is him on vacation! He can’t even get VACATION right. Imagine coming back to the office — “Hey, how was your two-week break?” “It was good — I defended Nazis. What’d you do?” – Jimmy Fallon
I guess this morning, Trump went to the Trump Tower Lost & Found looking for his mind. “I lost it yesterday afternoon.” – Jimmy Fallon
The effects are still being felt and talked about. I don’t know about you, but I feel like this is the only thing anyone talks about. Trump and maybe “Game of Thrones.” – Jimmy Kimmel
And “Game of Thrones” only has two episodes left. So, we’re kind of screwed when that goes. – Jimmy Kimmel
Yesterday, President Trump gave a big press conference on the subject of infrastructure. And all he had to do was stop right there. Just. Stop. Talking. For five minutes, just stop talking! – Jimmy Fallon
While President Trump fielded questions yesterday about Charlottesville, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly was seen staring at the ground with his arms crossed. And after hearing the press conference, so was the Statue of Liberty. – Seth Meyers
So, Chief of Staff John Kelly pressed Trump to make another public statement. Grudgingly, Mr. Trump agreed. “OK, I’ll say Nazis are bad, but you can’t make me mean it. OK? Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. I call Nazi backsies.” – Stephen Colbert
Last night, the city of Baltimore removed four statues of Confederate heroes. Or, as Fox News reported it, “Baltimore liberals force pigeons from their homes.” – Conan O’Brien
But, today Donald Trump completely disbanded his manufacturing council after eight members quit in 48 hours. The way these CEOs are leaving Trump, you’d think they were married to him. – James Corden
President Trump dissolved his [manufacturing] advisory council because a bunch of CEOs dropped out. Trump said they didn’t “take their job seriously”. Trump then went back to golfing and retweeting memes while sitting on the toilet. – Conan O’Brien
Forget creating new manufacturing jobs in this country. Trump can’t even manufacture manufacturing councils. – James Corden
The CEOs of Intel and Under Armour both resigned. Which means, somehow, Donald Trump figured out a way to lose the nerds and the jocks at the same time. – James Corden
The CEO of the company 3M also resigned, and when Donald Trump asked why, they said that 3M doesn’t want to be associated with three K’s. – James Corden
The Trump administration named a new interim communications director and her name is Hope Hicks. So, apparently now they’re on the H’s. – Conan O’Brien
I’m starting to miss the old days when we were on the verge of nuclear war with North Korea. – Jimmy Fallon
As you probably all heard, North Korea has backed off its threat to launch a nuclear missile at Guam. So now the title of “Crazy Tyrant Most Likely to Destroy America” returns to defending champion, Donald Trump! – Conan O’Brien
The studio behind the “Hunger Games” movies announced that it will be opening a theme park in South Korea dedicated to the films. They’re calling it “North Korea.” – Seth Meyers
When asked yesterday about his confidence in chief adviser and accused white nationalist Steve Bannon, President Trump said, “We’ll see what happens.” This is how much Trump cares about ratings — he ended a press conference on a cliffhanger. “Will Steve Bannon lose his job? Will Mike Pence and his wife finally go all the way? Find out tomorrow on ‘As the World Burns’!” – Seth Meyers
I read that New York City could host the World Cup in 2026. That’s right, thousands of people trying not to use their hands — or as that’s called in New York, “riding the subway”. – Jimmy Fallon
In Washington, D.C., yesterday, vandals spray-painted graffiti on the Lincoln Memorial. Historians are calling it the second worst thing to ever happen to Abraham Lincoln. – Conan O’Brien
The Connecticut lottery’s mobile app malfunctioned this weekend and told some lottery winners they had lost. When instead, they should have been told, “You have a lottery app on your phone — get help.” – Jimmy Fallon
Today, all McDonald’s in Canada are offering 67-cent burgers — as if Americans need yet another reason to move to Canada. – Conan O’Brien
