[Jokes from Aug 15, 2017]
In an impromptu press conference, President Trump said, “The hate and the division must stop.” For a minute, the crowd got excited, because they thought Trump was resigning. – Conan O’Brien
President Donald Trump was supposed to hold a press conference about infrastructure, and it ended with our president making an angry and passionate defense of white supremacists. I don’t know who decided it would be a good idea to send him out there to talk to reporters today. But whoever did obviously misread his state of mind and the mood in this country right now. – Jimmy Kimmel
Remember yesterday, when Donald Trump came out very clearly against the white supremacists that marched in Charlottesville, Virginia? And we were like, it took too long for him to say it, but at least he said it. Finally got it out. Well, today you’ll be pleased to know he totally reversed his statement and said there’s blame on “both sides”. – James Corden
Blame on both sides. I agree with him, there was blame on both the white supremacist side and on the Nazi side. – James Corden
In his press conference, President Trump referred to the neo-Nazis as “history buffs”. Then he referred to serial killers as “population control experts”. – Conan O’Brien
If you don’t think Trump’s statements are racist, you should at least know that racists are happy he made them. Immediately following Trump’s speech, former KKK leader David Duke thanked Trump for his “honesty and courage”. Well, there’s a thank-you note you don’t hang on your refrigerator. – James Corden
David Duke was so grateful he even sent Trump one of those “hate-able arrangements.” – James Corden
In the press conference, President Trump said that Steve Bannon was a good friend and not a racist. Then he said, “Oops, I meant to say, ‘a good racist, and not a friend.'” – Conan O’Brien
Now, today, this wasn’t even supposed to be about Charlottesville. Apparently, Trump went off script and improvised all of these remarks during a press conference about infrastructure, which is terrible because I’m pretty sure the first rule of infrastructure is whatever you do, don’t burn bridges. – James Corden
I feel like I can say this with reasonable certainty: The president is completely unhinged. The wheels are off the wagon and hurtling toward the moon right now. – Jimmy Kimmel
Trump’s the guy that walks out of “Star Wars” thinking they didn’t have to blow up the Death Star. – James Corden
Standing next to Trump was Elaine Chao, Trump’s secretary of Transportation. Which is good, because right now she’s looking for the fastest possible way to transport herself out of there. – James Corden
The only person who’s happy right now is Sean Spicer. He’s doing backflips, wherever he is. – Jimmy Kimmel
In a new interview, former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci said that he recently realized his signature sunglasses were made for women. Not only that, but his suit is actually a child’s Halloween costume. – Seth Meyers
President Trump last night made his first visit to Manhattan since his inauguration. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton visited three Manhattans and a Bud Light. – Seth Meyers
Well, President Trump arrived in New York last night, and actually slept in Trump Tower. Yeah, when Trump asked for a wake-up call, they just showed him his poll numbers. – Jimmy Fallon
Everybody’s been asking, you think Trump’s going to last four years? I’m wondering now if any of us are going to last four years. I haven’t screamed at my TV this much since McDreamy died. – Jimmy Kimmel
Kim Jong Un says he’s decided not to fire missiles at Guam. Then Trump said, “You mean I learned where Guam was for nothing?” – Jimmy Fallon
Google has banned the neo-Nazi website The Daily Stormer from its site. So now if you want to search for hate groups on the Internet, you’re completely out of luck! – Conan O’Brien
Airbnb is reportedly permanently banning white supremacists from making reservations on the site, because they keep cutting eyeholes in their hosts’ sheets. – Seth Meyers
I read about a 98-year-old woman and a 94-year-old man here in New York who just got married. And if you want to get them a gift… hurry! – Jimmy Fallon
A man in the U.K. saved his pet tortoise by giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation — at least that’s what he told his wife when she walked in on them. – Jimmy Fallon
A Florida man who accidentally fired a gun in a strip club restroom while trying to take a selfie has been sent to prison. The weird thing is everyone else at the Florida prison is there for the exact same reason. – Conan O’Brien
An Alabama woman missing for nearly a month said she was able to survive in the woods on mushrooms. Said officials, “Ma’am, you were out there for 45 minutes.” – Seth Meyers
Taco Bell has announced that it will soon launch the Naked Egg Taco, a breakfast taco that uses a fried egg as its shell. Coincidentally, “Naked Egg” is also your body type if you eat breakfast at Taco Bell. – Seth Meyers
Costco has to pay Tiffany’s $19 million for selling 2,500 fake Tiffany rings. Husbands don’t know what’s worse, having to tell their wife her ring ISN’T from Tiffany, or that it IS from Costco. “I’ve got bad news and worse news…” – Jimmy Fallon
There’s some nasty weather moving up the East Coast right now, known as Tropical Storm Gert. When they heard, people named Gert were like, “Oh, come on, my life’s bad enough as it is!” – Jimmy Fallon
