[Jokes from Aug 10, 2017]
Things are getting tense between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un. We didn’t start it. North Korea has been testing these missiles and saying they’re making them specifically to attack the United States. So, obviously, a firm response is necessary — but maybe not “fire and fury the likes of which the world has never seen.” – Stephen Colbert
I understand wanting to say that, but this is like a hostage negotiation, and you don’t start with, “Go ahead, kill everybody. I’ll kill ’em way deader.” – Stephen Colbert
Tensions with North Korea continue to rise. And you can tell Trump’s nervous because he’s been wearing a “Make America Great Again” helmet. – Jimmy Fallon
I read that the U.S. has a plan to launch a cyberattack on North Korea. It’s pretty serious. They say it could affect both of North Korea’s computers. – Jimmy Fallon
The news organizations are actually telling people what to do in case of a nuclear attack. They say people should immediately stay inside and keep watching Netflix. – Jimmy Fallon
Today Trump said that if North Korea doesn’t get its act together, they’re going to be in big trouble. “Now, look, I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.” – Jimmy Fallon
To be fair, North Korea isn’t helping. Today, they said they’re drawing up plans to launch four intermediate-range ballistic missiles into waters near Guam. NEAR Guam, but not ON Guam. Which is the geopolitical equivalent of your brother saying, “I’m not touching you. You can’t tell Mom, ’cause I’m not touching you. I’m not touching your face. Why are you crying? I’m not touching you.” – Stephen Colbert
A spokesperson for North Korea called president Trump a senile man who can’t think rationally. But it turns out they just stole that from Trump’s Twitter bio. – Jimmy Fallon
Archaeologists have just uncovered evidence of a Native American civilization that vanished, completely vanished in the 13th century. Isn’t that amazing? Apparently they died out months after selecting their new leader, Chief Trump. Then they were gone. – Conan O’Brien
They found a skull with a big orange wig on it. Scowling at them. But it was the best skull you’ve ever seen. – Conan O’Brien
This morning Donald Trump started another Twitter war. This time he tweeted at Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, telling him to “get back to work on a healthcare bill.” I’m impressed. It is extremely difficult to type the words “get back to work” on a phone while simultaneously teeing off with a 3-wood. – James Corden
Now sources say Mitch McConnell is going to shoot back a response — as soon as his grandchildren show him what Twitter is and how to use it. – James Corden
I mean, McConnell versus Trump, this is big, guys. I don’t know who is going to win this battle. It really is a case of the turtle and the hair. – James Corden
Former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci — you know, the Mooch — posted a tweet comparing what happened during his firing from the White House to what happened to Monica Lewinsky during the Bill Clinton sex scandal. Now think about this: Scaramucci is comparing himself to someone who helped get a president impeached. I LIKE where this is going. – James Corden
I read that you can now go on Airbnb and rent Trump’s childhood home, where he lived until he was 4. So at least there’s one house where he lasted four years. – Jimmy Fallon
A lot of people are fed up with Donald Trump, but one man has decided to do something about it. A protester in Washington, D.C., has installed a giant inflatable chicken with Trump hair directly behind the White House. The inflatable chicken cost $1,300. Or another way to put that: Worth every penny. – James Corden
A Japanese company has created a new high-end fidget spinner that they say can spin for more than 12 minutes — beating the previous record for spinning held by Kellyanne Conway. – Seth Meyer
In an interview Tuesday, White House adviser Steven Miller called President Trump the best orator in that office in generations. When reached for comments, Trump said, “Wow, he say very nice things, he good and me good. Me orator.” – Seth Meyer
President Trump’s inauguration singer, whose sister is transgender, recently called the president’s ban on transgender people in the military a disappointment. Well, sounds like someone is not getting invited to sing at his impeachment. – Seth Meyer
The singer The Weeknd is reportedly considering changing his name. This is on the advice of his son, Staycation. – Conan O’Brien
A Russian spy plane was spotted over New Jersey. Yeah. The Russian pilot was overheard saying, “You know, Siberia’s not so bad.” – Conan O’Brien
Wal-Mart is testing out an app that would allow shoppers to skip the checkout line. Currently that service is known as shoplifting. – Conan O’Brien
In Virginia someone broke into a man’s apartment, cleaned it, and took nothing. Completely cleaned the place. Police are describing the suspect as his mother. – Conan O’Brien
A recent study found that sex burns about 3.5 calories per minute. It’s funny, because that was always my pickup line. Hey, baby, want to come back to my place and burn 7 calories? – Conan O’Brien
Football stadiums are going to get a delivery system that will bring food right to your seat. However, if you’re a Rams fan, your food will most likely be intercepted and returned for a touchdown. – Conan O’Brien
Chipotle has closed a location in Dallas after diners filmed three rats falling from the ceiling. Don’t worry, the rats died of E. coli before they hit the ground. – Conan O’Brien
A truck carrying 22,000 pounds of ravioli and jalapenos caught on fire while on a highway in Indiana — and immediately became Guy Fieri’s latest restaurant. – Seth Meyer
