[Jokes from Aug 4, 2017]
You know who is going to have a nice, fun long weekend? Donald Trump. Because starting today, he begins a 17-day vacation. [Audience boos.] No, he’s earned it … is a phrase that you don’t say about Donald Trump. – Stephen Colbert
President Trump started his big vacation today. But before he left, he visited FEMA’s headquarters. FEMA said it was a nice change of pace to have a disaster come to them. – Jimmy Fallon
Trump has spent the last year telling us that the mainstream media is “fake news.” So now he’s finally fighting back, because President Trump has launched his own news program on his Facebook page … that LOOKS like state-sponsored propaganda. – Stephen Colbert
But the big story is that Special Counsel Robert Mueller is bringing evidence before a grand jury for the Russia investigation. Trump was confused, because he thought a grand jury was something you order at Denny’s. “I’ll have a grand jury, side of bacon.” – Jimmy Fallon
Former Mexican President Vicente Fox was on CNN this morning, and he seemed to express his feelings once again about Trump’s border wall pretty clearly: [clip of Fox] “Well, you can use my words, we’ll never pay for that [bleeping] wall.” Trump was like, “So it sounds like there’s some wiggle room there.” – Jimmy Fallon
The WWE has trademarked the Bible verse numbers 3:16. It is the most inappropriate case of commercializing the Bible since King Solomon’s baby-sized Ginsu knives. “Cut that baby in one swipe!” – Stephen Colbert
The WWE-trademarked 3:16 refers to one of the Bible’s most quoted verses, John 3:16: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that those who believe in him shall not die but have eternal life.” Or, as the WWE will now put it, “Christ-a-mania is running wild! Woo, baby!” – Stephen Colbert
Sunday’s episode of “Game of Thrones” will be the show’s shortest episode ever at just 50 minutes. Yeah, so after the opening credits, that’s only two minutes of actual show. – Jimmy Fallon
ABC is dropping plans for a live musical of “The Little Mermaid” because of budget issues. Also, because nobody can hold their breath underwater for two hours. – Jimmy Fallon
