Political Irony

[Jokes from Aug 3, 2017]

A transcript from President Trump’s phone call with the Australian prime minister was just leaked and at one point, Trump referred to U.S. dairy farmers as local milk people. Even worse, he referred to cows as spotted milk horses. – Jimmy Fallon

Do you guys remember the beginning of the Trump administration? You’ll recall that in the first week, back when we were giving him a chance, Trump was calling all the world leaders, you know, getting to know them. “Hi, hello? Hi. My name is Donald. I like to eat steak. What are you wearing? Hello? Hello?” – Stephen Colbert

Trump is also being criticized for his conversation with the president of Mexico, where he called New Hampshire “a drug-infested den.” New Hampshire says it’s furious, while Colorado says it has to find a new nickname. – Jimmy Fallon

Two of the calls were with the president of Mexico and the prime minister of Australia. Rumor is, the calls did not go well. First, Trump talked to Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto and when he got off the phone, said basically, “Great news, they’re paying for the wall.” But Peña Nieto said, “Que estas hablando/what you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” – Stephen Colbert

The Wall Street Journal is reporting Robert Mueller, the special counsel investigating Russia’s interference in the 2016 election, has impaneled a grand jury. I’m going to say something nobody has ever said before: “God, I wish I had jury duty!” – Stephen Colbert

But really, how are they ever going to find unbiased people to serve on this jury? “Ma’am, have you ever heard of a man by the name of Donald Trump?” “No, Father never mentioned him in our cave-dwelling cult.” – Stephen Colbert

Trump was actually busted for saying that a bunch of people called to compliment him this week, when they hadn’t. When asked about it today, Trump said, “I can’t talk now, I’m on the phone with the governor of Narnia.” – Jimmy Fallon

President Trump is about to go on vacation. He’s off for two blissful weeks on the Island of Covfefe. – Jimmy Kimmel

According to The Associated Press, President Trump will take a 17-day vacation starting tomorrow at his golf club in New Jersey. Seventeen days in New Jersey doesn’t sound like a vacation, it sounds like an episode of “I Survived”. – Seth Meyers

I’m pretty sure if you spend 17 days in Jersey, you become an honorary member of the E Street Band. – Seth Meyers

He’s going to his Trump golf resort in New Jersey. Some people are angry he’s taking vacation for two weeks. I think it is a good thing. I mean, we’ll still have a country for two more weeks. – Jimmy Kimmel

That’s more days than Chris Christie has spent in New Jersey. – Seth Meyers

Before he slips into those size 46 Van Heusen golf pants, the president made a stop in West Virginia to pound his chest for a large crowd of enthusiastic supporters. Earlier today, he teased that he would be making a big announcement. He doesn’t just make an announcement. First he announces he’s going to make an announcement. Then the announcement gets announced. – Jimmy Kimmel

So the big announcement they were all excited about was that the governor of West Virginia, Jim Justice, was switching parties from Democrat to Republican. And he has a lot in common with the president. They’re both former Democrats who switched parties because they love Donald Trump. So now they’re on the same team. – Jimmy Kimmel

According to The Hollywood Reporter, President Trump was being considered for the role of president in the 2015 TV movie “Sharknado 3,” and was upset when the job was given to someone else, and then even more upset [shows photo of Hillary on movie poster] when he found out who got it. – Seth Meyers

Trump is trying to impress his new chief of staff, John Kelly, by listing a lot of facts during meetings. They’re all Snapple facts, but still. “Cats have 100 vocal cords.” “Made from the best stuff on Earth.” – Jimmy Fallon