[Jokes from Aug 2, 2017]
This morning, President Trump announced a new immigration plan that will favor people who speak English. Which is why tonight, he had to deport himself. “I am BIGLY, BIGLY sad!” – Jimmy Fallon
Basically Donald Trump wants to create what he calls a merit-based system that awards points to green card applicants based on such factors as English ability. Yes, immigrants have to learn proper English like “bigly” and “covfefe.” – Stephen Colbert
I am really glad my family got here in 1828. Because Donald Trump just pulled up the immigration ladder behind us. Today the administration announced a harsh new immigration bill. Now, don’t you dare say that he’s just cruelly targeting illegal immigrants, because the bill wants to reduce LEGAL immigration by 50 percent. “Melania, honey, I got some tough news, only 50 percent of your parents can come to Thanksgiving. I say your mom. She’s in great physical shape.” – Stephen Colbert
Now, the bill sounds bad, but they gave it a catchy name: the Reforming American Immigration for Strong Employment (RAISE) Act. Yes, the RAISE Act. Much better marketing than the original name: Reforming American Citizenship Is Super Tough. – Stephen Colbert
It was a busy day for Trump. He also signed off on new sanctions against Russia for interfering with our election — and a source says that he talked to Vladimir Putin on the phone right before. When people said that was inappropriate, Trump said, “I agree — I wanted to FaceTime!” – Jimmy Fallon
Before heading out of town today, President Trump signed a number of sanctions against Russia. They passed with an overwhelming majority in the House, so Trump had to sign it. Vladimir Putin is not happy. In fact, he changed their relationship status on Facebook today to “It’s complicated”. – Seth Meyers
A new Quinnipiac poll found that 33 percent of people approve of the job President Trump is doing. Unfortunately, they’re all under investigation. – Seth Meyers
The president’s approval rating has dropped to a new low. This is a newer low than the last new low. It is down to 33 percent today, which I think is lower than the “Emoji Movie”. There’s no light at the end of the tunnel. – Jimmy Kimmel
This past week, a signed sketch of the Manhattan skyline drawn by Donald Trump in 2005 was bought at auction for nearly $30,000. Bidding started at $9,000 and went all the way up to $30,000. Making this Trump’s only venture to ever turn a profit. – James Corden
Let’s be honest, it’s not a great drawing. I’d normally say “Keep your day job,” but I don’t want that either. – James Corden
Did you hear what Trump said about living in the White House? According to Golf magazine, of all places, the president told a group of members at his club in New Jersey the White House is a real dump. A White House spokesperson today denied the president said that, so it’s true. – Jimmy Kimmel
To be fair, Donald Trump thinks any building that doesn’t have his name on it is a dump. – Jimmy Kimmel
The president is in an absolute tailspin. His approval rating is in the basement. And, he’s living in a dump. – Jimmy Kimmel
Scientists just discovered that millions of years ago, flowers had both male and female parts. As a result, President Trump has banned those flowers from serving in the military. – Jimmy Fallon
Tomorrow the president is leaving for a two-week vacation to his beloved Bedminster golf club in New Jersey. Finally, he’ll get time to play some golf. – Jimmy Kimmel
Elon Musk recently announced that the government has approved a plan for something called a “Hyperloop” that will transport people between New York and D.C. in just 29 minutes. “Hyperloop?” I don’t know how much I trust [that as] public transportation. That sounds like it should be a ride at Six Flags. – James Corden
Apparently this thing shoots people through a tube at 700 miles an hour! And, when you arrive in New York it drops you straight off at Macy’s so you can buy a clean pair of underwear. – James Corden
It can get you out of Washington, D.C., and into New York City in 29 minutes. Or, as Melania Trump calls it, not fast enough. – James Corden
A new study finds that George Clooney has the most handsome face because of his eyes, nose, chin, and mouth. In other words, he has the most handsome face because of his face. – Jimmy Fallon
“The Today Show” just featured a group of moms in California who said that smoking weed makes them better parents. When asked if their kids agree, the moms were like, “Oh crap, the kids!” – Jimmy Fallon
The dating app Tinder recently paid a woman’s flight change fee after she missed her flight because she was on a great Tinder date. That’s how rare great Tinder dates are. If you have one, you win a free trip. – James Corden
Hospitals in Chicago have seen the number of baby deliveries double this month. Which would be remarkable, until you realize that’s exactly nine months after the Chicago Cubs won the World Series. – James Corden
According to Vanity Fair, the Queen of England has four alcoholic beverages every day, including a glass of champagne before bed. Champagne before bed?! Who does she think she is, herself? – Seth Meyers
A pair of New England Patriots players were kicked out of practice this week after getting into a fight during drills. Wow, even the New England Patriots hate the New England Patriots. – Seth Meyers
