[Jokes from Jul 31, 2017]
Today, President Trump officially removed Anthony Scaramucci as his communications director. And this was a little awkward — when Scaramucci called an Uber to pick him up at the White House, Sean Spicer was driving. – Jimmy Fallon
The Mooch lasted as communications director for only 10 days. Yes, 10 days! That’s not even one whole pay period. His going-away party can serve what’s left of his welcome cake. – Stephen Colbert
The president has been very busy repealing and replacing his staff, most notably Anthony Scaramucci, the Mooch, who 10 days ago was named the White House communications director. Today he’s out of a job. – Jimmy Kimmel
Scaramucci lost his job after just 10 days, following an obscene interview with the New Yorker. You know it’s bad when you get fired after 10 days and everyone’s still like, “What took so long?” – Jimmy Fallon
Anthony Scaramucci, gone after just a week and change on the job! The Mooch is toast! The front-stabber has been back-stabbed. – Stephen Colbert
He’s out after 10 days. So Scaramucci is gone, but his cologne will linger forever. – Jimmy Fallon
He said he was going to fire everybody, and I’ve got to admit, he delivered. That’s thorough! – Stephen Colbert
And get this — Scaramucci’s official start date was supposed to be August 15. Or as Trump put it, “See? We’re setting so many records. He’s the first person to ever get fired BEFORE they even start working.” – Jimmy Fallon
It came out that Scaramucci actually missed the birth of his son last week because he was with Trump, so he texted his wife “Congratulations”. Trump was like, “You don’t text your wife after she has your baby — you tweet her!” – Jimmy Fallon
On Friday, Trump hired new White House chief of staff, Gen. John Kelly. No surprise Trump picked a general. According to one source, “The kinds of people that Trump particularly likes are people with bucks: money, and braids: the military.” Yes, he likes people with bucks and braids. So if Kelly doesn’t work out, congratulations to our next chief of staff, Sparkle the show pony. – Stephen Colbert
Meanwhile, Donald Trump tweeted about Reince Priebus, who he fired. He wrote, “We accomplished a lot together, and I am proud of him.” That’s two lies in one sentence. – Jimmy Kimmel
Kelly is the polar opposite of Reince Priebus, the former chief of staff. Kelly is military, Priebus is a Washington insider. Kelly’s from Boston, Priebus is from Wisconsin. John Kelly has two first names, and Reince Priebus has no recognizable names at all. – Stephen Colbert
It will be easier for Reince Priebus to go into a souvenir shop and find a novelty license plate with his name on it than it will be to find a job after this. – Jimmy Kimmel
Sean Spicer’s out, Reince Priebus is out, Trumpcare is dead, and Kim Jong Un has a missile that can reach New York. And weirdly, I don’t feel tired from all the winning yet. – Jimmy Kimmel
President Trump is coming off his worst week since … his last worst week, which I think was the week before last week. – Jimmy Kimmel
A school district in Florida is eliminating homework for all school students this year. Yeah, no homework. It’s all part of Florida’s “make Florida Flori-duh again” campaign. – James Corden
Officials say it’s fine because a lot of students are already reading at a fifth grade level. Unfortunately a lot of those students are in 10th grade. – James Corden
The state of Colorado has determined that the tax revenue from the sale of legalized marijuana has now exceeded half a billion dollars. Colorado has so much extra money for marijuana it can now afford a cocaine habit. – James Corden
Unfortunately, they’ve already spent all of that money on Funyuns and Hot Pockets. – James Corden
You know those little robot vacuums called Roombas? The company that makes them says that Roombas have the capability to map out your home while they clean it, and it’s planning to sell that information to Amazon and Google. We all thought that the Roomba was just vacuuming; turns out it was casing the joint. – James Corden
The other night I could have sworn I heard Roomba and Alexa talking about how much they could get for my flat screen. – James Corden
