[Jokes from Jul 24, 2017]
Big news out of Washington on Friday – White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer officially resigned. That’s right, Spicer said that all the greats always know when to leave on top. – Jimmy Fallon
On Friday, Sean Spicer resigned as White House press secretary. He wanted to spend more time not answering his family’s questions. – Stephen Colbert
Well, it’s the end of an era. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer resigned from his post on Friday. And just for old time’s sake, he denied it. – Seth Meyers
Spicer quit on Friday because Trump appointed a new communications director, former hedge fund manager and lawyer Anthony Scaramucci. Of course, when it comes to Scaramucci, there’s only one question everybody’s asking: [Queen “Bohemian Rhapsody” clip] “Scaramouche! Scaramouche! Will you do the fandango?” – Stephen Colbert
Over the weekend, new White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci deleted a bunch of old tweets that were critical of Trump’s platform. Trump was shocked — he said, “You can delete tweets??” – Jimmy Fallon
Not only did Sean Spicer resign over “the Mooch’s” hiring, but a White House insider says, “This was a murdering of Reince and Bannon. They said Anthony would get this job over their dead bodies.” That’s terrible. Before this, those guys were only dead on the inside. – Stephen Colbert
Donald Trump went on a Twitter rampage this morning criticizing everyone from Hillary Clinton to congress to his own attorney general, Jeff Sessions, who he appointed. In one tweet he suggested that the phrase “drain the swamp” should be updated to “drain the sewer,” which would make sense if a sewer wasn’t already a drain. We need to sweep up the brooms! – James Corden
According to reports, President Trump is so unhappy with Attorney General Jeff Sessions that he is considering replacing him with former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. That’s like being so unhappy with your wife that you’re considering replacing her with Rudy Giuliani. – Seth Meyers
This morning Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, testified in front of a Senate Intelligence Committee and insisted that he did not collude with Russia. Before appearing in front of the committee, Kushner released an 11-page statement denying that he colluded with the Russians. Now look, I’m not an intelligence expert, but if you need 11 pages to explain yourself, you so colluded. It’s a totes collude. – James Corden
Kid Rock today further fueled speculation that he will officially run for Senate by tweeting a poll showing he would lead a hypothetical election against a Democratic senator. Even worse — his music. – Seth Meyers
Discovery Channel’s Shark Week made a huge deal about a race between Michael Phelps and a great white shark and they were talking it up all week. Well, people on Twitter were very disappointed that they used CGI and Phelps wasn’t actually racing alongside a great white shark. What do people expect? You can’t get a shark to have a race on command. It’s a shark. – James Corden
Who watched the shark thing? It was amazing. It wasn’t real, but it was amazing. But I like a little break from reality right about now. ’Cause have you seen reality? It’s scary. There’s blood in the water, and there are a lot of sharks circling the White House. – Stephen Colbert
I saw that WebMD is being sold for $2.8 billion. The owner said he was just getting tired — but WebMD says it could either be gout, polio, or scurvy. – Jimmy Fallon
That’s right, WebMD is being sold. No word on who bought it, but let’s just say the Republicans finally found a replacement for Obamacare. – Jimmy Fallon
A Texas coffee company is recalling one of its roasts after male customers reported a “Viagra-like effect.” Wives are calling it the worst part of waking up. – Seth Meyers
Today is National Cousins Day. And if you’re from West Virginia, happy anniversary! – Jimmy Fallon
