[Jokes from Jul 11, 2017]
Back in June [last year] Donald Trump Jr. met with a Russian lawyer who he believed had damaging information about Hillary Clinton to share. They met at Trump Tower. Son-in-law-in-chief Jared Kushner and former campaign manager Paul Manafort were in attendance. The New York Times broke this story, and this morning just before they were about to release a series of damning emails, Donald Jr. released those emails himself. [Reads highlights from the email exchange] And then he forwarded this to Kushner and Manafort, the meeting happened, and now all hell has broken loose. Donald Jr. is like the guy at work who opens the obviously fake document and now everyone in the office has a virus on their computer. – Jimmy Kimmel
Donald Trump Jr. released a series of emails showing he actively tried to collaborate with the Russians before the election. When he heard this, Donald Trump said, “Good luck trying to connect me to Donald Trump Jr.” – Conan O’Brien
Donald Jr. hired a lawyer yesterday. This lawyer, in the past, represented members of the mafia. That actually makes sense — the Trumps are like the Corleone family, if all of them were Fredo. – Jimmy Kimmel
Donald Trump Jr. is being represented by a mafia lawyer who has defended four New York crime families. So now the lawyer has updated his resume to say “defended five New York crime families.” – Conan O’Brien
Last night, I told you about how Don Jr. met with a Russian lawyer, who claimed to have dirt on Hillary Clinton. Seems pretty bad. But it turned out much worse. Then, The New York Times reported that “Trump Jr. was told in an email that this was a Russian effort to aid Trump’s campaign.” Wow. Who could have predicted an email scandal would taint a presidential campaign? – Stephen Colbert
The president did issue a statement in support of his son. He wrote, “My son is a high-quality person and I applaud his transparency.” Right. As soon as The New York Times told him they were going to release his emails, HE released his emails. He’s about as transparent as a pumpkin. – Jimmy Kimmel
Don Jr.’s emails were with British music publicist Rob Goldstone. He met the Trumps at the 2013 Miss Universe pageant in Moscow. I believe his job was to remove all the locks from the dressing room doors. – Stephen Colbert
It is funny, though, that after Donald spent a year hammering Hillary about emails he may finally get brought down by an email. [Sings Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic”] It’s like rain on your wedding day. – Jimmy Kimmel
Seventeen minutes later, Don Jr. responded, “Thanks, Rob, I appreciate that. If it’s what you say, I love it, especially later in the summer.” Just to make it clear, he also attached this picture [pic of Trump Jr. with printed T-shirt] — “I love crime in the summertime!” – Stephen Colbert
If there’s any lesson to be learned from this, it’s that no one should use email ever, for anything, at all. – Jimmy Kimmel
So at this point, I would like to issue a formal apology. I’d like to apologize to Eric Trump. We always thought you were the dumb one, and we were wrong. – Stephen Colbert
So this afternoon, Hillary Clinton made a short statement in front of a group of her supporters in upstate New York: “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.” – Jimmy Kimmel
Today was one of those days I woke up, I cracked my neck, I brushed my teeth, I looked in the mirror and I thought, “Boy, am I glad I’m not Donald Trump Jr.” I have that thought about three times a week, but today I said it out loud. – Jimmy Kimmel
White House chief of staff Reince Priebus has dismissed the latest Trump-Russia story as “a nothingburger”. When questioned about his really strange choice of words, he explained, “My name is Reince Priebus.” – Conan O’Brien
A new study just found that the Republican healthcare bill has the same approval rating as Nickelback and herpes. When asked to comment, the herpes virus said, “Hey, don’t lump me in with those guys.” – Conan O’Brien
