[Jokes from Jun 20, 2017]
On Monday, Donald Trump met with the president of Panama and bragged that the U.S. built the Panama Canal. Trump’s bringing up a project from 100 years ago like he had something to do with it. So I guess if he never builds his border wall, he can always take credit for the one in China. – James Corden
This is basically the only thing Trump knows about Panama. He meets someone from Panama and says, “Hey — canal.” He meets someone from France and says, “Hey — baguettes.” He meets someone from Russia and says, “Hey — thanks for helping me with that whole beating Hillary thing.” – James Corden
And with the Russia investigation getting bigger, I read that Trump’s lawyer has now hired his own lawyer. When asked if he feels good about the case, Trump’s lawyer’s lawyer said, “Talk to my lawyer”. – Jimmy Fallon
According to a new CBS poll, President Trump’s approval rating is just 36 percent. Said Trump, “Out of how many?” – Seth Meyers
A new study just came out and it found that after a few months of Donald Trump, most Americans now have a favorable view of President George W. Bush. When reached for comment, the ghost of Richard Nixon said, “Here I come, baby.” – Conan O’Brien
Trump’s war with the press continues. Yesterday, reporters were blocked from recording video or audio during the White House press briefing. Which is incredible. When asked why cameras and recording devices were not allowed in the press briefings, Press Secretary Sean Spicer said… [moment of silence] I mean, I don’t know. I can’t make this any clearer. Nothing was recorded in there. – James Corden
The White House is reportedly taking Sean Spicer off of giving press briefings, and moving him to a “more senior role focused on strategy”. Which I think is the political version of saying someone’s moving to “a farm upstate”. – Jimmy Fallon
There’s a rumor that the White House is going to find a new place for Press Secretary Sean Spicer. All they told Spicer was “it’s on a big farm upstate where you can run and play with all the other press secretaries…” – Conan O’Brien
Actually, it turns out Spicer is leading the search for his own replacement. Trump would help — but he’s busy searching for HIS own replacement. – Jimmy Fallon
Steve Bannon apparently said that Spicer’s press briefings have been off camera lately because, quote, “Sean got fatter”. You know you’re in bad shape when Steve Bannon thinks you’ve let yourself go. – Jimmy Fallon
Today was National Vanilla Milkshake Day. Or as Mike Pence calls it, “Spicy Tuesday!” – Seth Meyers
Summer officially begins tonight. So if you’re wondering why your kids stopped going to school, that’s probably the reason. – Jimmy Kimmel
The temperature is so high in Phoenix, Arizona, that flights are being canceled because it’s too hot for planes. Because at higher temperatures, the air has a lower density, which reduces how much lift is generated. Scientists first realized this was a problem when they saw birds taking the bus north for summer. – Stephen Colbert
It was 119 degrees in Phoenix, Arizona, today. It was too hot to fly. They couldn’t take off because I guess the wheels would melt on the tarmac. People were so desperate for air conditioning, dozens of them actually went to go see that “Baywatch” movie. – Jimmy Kimmel
It’s so hot that the cartoon sun from the weather reports is staying home in the air conditioning. – Stephen Colbert
Today, in Las Vegas, the forecast was a record 117. Also the average age of people at the nickel slots. – Stephen Colbert
It was 117 in Las Vegas. When it hits 117 in Vegas, that’s when the strippers really have it figured out. They’re like, look at you idiots in clothes, we’re wearing nothing. We’re at work. – Jimmy Kimmel
And today, temperatures are expected to reach 127 degrees in Death Valley. But, it’s a dry death. – Stephen Colbert
The state of California has what they call “pay to stay” jails where an inmate can pay for a more comfortable cell. For $100 a night an inmate can get a semi-private room, single showers, and they can make phone calls whenever they want. Like a hotel. Just don’t ask where the mint on your pillow has been. – Jimmy Kimmel
Yesterday, the U.S. experienced a series of internet outages. Things got so bad we momentarily surpassed China in productivity. – Conan O’Brien
In Argentina, an entire trove of Nazi artifacts has been found hidden in a house. You can see the whole thing on the new reality show, “Nazi Hoarders”. – Conan O’Brien
“Batman and Robin” came out 20 years ago today. But we always kinda suspected. – Seth Meyers
Qatar Airways today was named “Airline of the Year” at the Paris Air Show. While United was named “Heavyweight Champion” by the WWE. – Seth Meyers
