[Jokes from Jun 19, 2017]
Because Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein was in on talks about firing Comey, he may need to recuse himself from the Russia probe. He would be the third member of this investigation to be gone, after Attorney General Jeff Sessions and former FBI Director James Comey. It’s all in the latest season of “Survivor: Justice Department Island.” – Stephen Colbert
There have been more legal problems for Donald Trump. One of the president’s lawyers claimed over the weekend that Trump is not under investigation. Which should come as a surprise to Trump, because he tweeted this out a couple of days ago: “I am being investigated.” – James Corden
Last week, The Washington Post reported that the president was under investigation for obstruction of justice — but, of course, that is just speculation from a hostile newspaper using anonymous sources, so Donald Trump did the smart thing and made no comment. I’m just kidding. – Stephen Colbert
Yesterday, President Trump’s lawyer insisted that Trump is not under investigation. He added, “And you can trust me, I’m Donald Trump’s lawyer.” – Conan O’Brien
This can’t be easy for Trump’s lawyers. Like, they’re representing someone who lies even more than they do. And lying is their job. – James Corden
On Friday, he tweeted, “I am being investigated for firing the FBI director by the man who told me to fire the FBI director! Witch hunt.” Mr. President, you know the phrase “You better lawyer up?” It’s short for “You better get a lawyer — and shut up.” – Stephen Colbert
Trump is running a fundraising contest where the winner gets to have dinner with him. James Comey was like, “Trust me, that is not a good prize. Don’t do it.” – Jimmy Fallon
Former FBI Director James Comey was reportedly seen dancing this weekend at a wedding in Washington, D.C. Gotta say, I’m impressed. If I had read that many of Anthony Weiner’s emails, I don’t think I’d ever dance again. – Seth Meyers
A new report just came out that says President Trump made $598 million in income last year. It sounds like a lot, but after taxes … it was still $598 million. – Jimmy Fallon
Over the weekend it was reported the president is planning to appoint the person who will oversee billions of dollars as head of the Department of Housing and Urban Development for the states of New York and New Jersey. And that person is — drumroll, please — his son Eric’s wedding planner! For real, she planned his wedding. I guess she did a good job. – Jimmy Kimmel
Her name is Lynne Patton. She has no experience in urban or housing development but has incredible reviews on Yelp. Almost five stars. And she really knows her way around a centerpiece. – Jimmy Kimmel
This weekend, Trump took his first trip to Camp David. He spent the whole weekend walking around, exploring the property and looking for the Wi-Fi password. “I got to tweet! I got to tweet!” – Jimmy Fallon
During a meeting with the president of Panama today, President Trump said, “We did a good job building the Panama Canal,” despite the fact that the canal was constructed over a century ago. Mr. President, if you’re going to keep saying stuff this dumb in front of other world leaders, could you at least wear a big bandage on your head? You know, so it seems like there’s a reason. – Seth Meyers
The Supreme Court ruled that a company has the legal right to have an offensive name. In other words, Trump Tower is going to stay Trump Tower. – Conan O’Brien
I hope everyone had a good Father’s Day. Or as the Trump children call it, a day. – James Corden
I don’t know if we should have cards for Father’s Day. For Mother’s Day, they’re sweet with nice messages. Father’s Day cards fit into four major categories [shows cards]: golf, fishing, barbecue, beer. – Jimmy Kimmel
And beer. And beer. And beer and beer. [shows card that reads “Beer Is the Answer”] What kind of message is this? “Dad, you are a potbellied drunk and we’re sending you to rehab after you finish mowing the lawn.” We need to mix it up a little. Either the cards need to change, or we do. – Jimmy Kimmel
According to a new survey, about 1 in 5 dads said they feel guilty about not being present enough with their children. Then again, 1 out of 5 dads is all they could find. – Seth Meyers
The big news over the weekend is that Beyoncé’s twins are here! Beyoncé’s father announced on Twitter that she gave birth last week to two healthy twins weighing in at 6 pounds, 7 “oncés.” – James Corden
I want to say congrats to Beyoncé and Jay-Z, who welcomed twins. The doctor said, “It’s a boy and a girl,” and the twins said, “It’s Jay-Z and Beyoncé! Oh, my gosh!” – Jimmy Fallon
The big day finally arrived. Beyoncé gave birth to twins this weekend. And this is surprising: Their names are Kevin and Linda. – Seth Meyers
People figured out they had a boy and a girl when they saw light blue and bright pink balloons being delivered. Incidentally, Light Blue and Bright Pink are also the names they’re considering for the babies. – Jimmy Fallon
