[Jokes from Jun 12, 2017]
President Trump held a Cabinet meeting today in which each Cabinet member took turns praising the president. After hearing this, Kim Jong Un said, “Man, even I’m not that insecure.” – Conan O’Brien
Today, a Federal Appeals Court ruled against President Trump’s revised travel ban —- and get this, they even quoted his tweets in their decision. Or as Trump put it, “That counts as a retweet!” (I win!) – Jimmy Fallon
After the ruling, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said he’s confident that the travel ban is “fully lawful.” Then he was like, “Sorry, I read that wrong — it’s ‘fully awful.’ My mistake.” – Jimmy Fallon
First lady Melania Trump and son Barron officially moved into the White House yesterday. Unfortunately, during the move, someone left the gate open and Sean Spicer ran away. – Seth Meyers
Over the weekend, Melania Trump finally moved into the White House. But this is a bad sign — she only brought a week’s worth of clothes. – Jimmy Fallon
Melania has to learn all of the important stuff about living in the White House. You know, where the bathrooms are, how to turn on the air conditioning, how to lie under oath … the basics. – James Corden
First lady Melania Trump has officially, as of today, moved into the White House. In a related story, Donald Trump just moved from the Lincoln Bedroom to the Lincoln Couch. – Conan O’Brien
First lady Melania Trump has officially moved into the White House after five months living apart from her husband. Rumors say Melania was unhappy about moving into the White House but felt more reassured when Trump told her, “Don’t worry, I’m usually at Mar-a-Lago. You will never see me. I’m literally never there.” – James Corden
President Trump was out at the golf course again this weekend, but this time he showed up unannounced at a wedding at the Trump International Golf Club in New Jersey. He went in to the wedding and even took photos with the couple. With Trump there, the bride got everything she needed — something old, something new, something borrowed, and something orange. – James Corden
Over the weekend in New Jersey, President Trump crashed a wedding. Apparently, the bride said she wanted something old, something new, something borrowed, and something that will probably be out of office by August. – Conan O’Brien
President Trump yesterday called former FBI Director James Comey cowardly. Though, if Comey is the cowardly one, I’m pretty sure Trump is the one without a brain. – Seth Meyers
According to a new poll, Americans find former FBI Director James Comey to be more trustworthy than President Trump. Also, more Americans prefer Pepsi to the bottle marked “rat poison”. – Seth Meyers
It looks like President Donald Trump may be canceling a planned visit to the U.K. due to his lack of support there. He says he doesn’t want to go somewhere where he is extremely unpopular. You know — like 48 out of the 50 states in America. – James Corden
It’s been reported that President Trump is so worried about protests that he is postponing his upcoming trip to England. Trump is also worried he doesn’t have time to learn the language. – Conan O’Brien
Labor Secretary Alexander Acosta spoke to the press this afternoon and pushed for wider use of apprenticeship training for people who “learn better by doing”. Of course learning by doing [shows photo of Trump] doesn’t always work for everyone. – Seth Meyers
Yesterday, Rafael Nadal won the French Open and became the first man to win 10 titles at any major tournament. When asked what his secret is, he said, “Not having to play Serena Williams.” – Jimmy Fallon
A new study reveals more than 2 billion people worldwide are overweight or obese. And at any given time, most of them are at Disneyland the same day as you. – Conan O’Brien
Someone invented a pair of yoga pants that vibrate when your yoga pose is incorrect. Which explains the new trend, “incorrect yoga poses”. – Conan O’Brien
A birth control pill has been recalled due to a packaging error that puts placebo pills at the beginning of the pack rather than at the end. So pick up a pack today at Unplanned Parenthood. – Seth Meyers
