[Jokes from Jun 7, 2017]
Former FBI Director James Comey will appear before the Senate Intelligence Committee to spill the beans on President Trump, which when you think about it on a human level, is pretty great for James Comey. Can you imagine getting fired and then the next thing you know, you get to trash talk your boss in front of the whole world? It’s like a dream come true. – Jimmy Kimmel
People are calling Comey’s testimony Washington’s Super Bowl, and I hear Animal Planet is even airing the “Puppy Comey Testimony”. – Stephen Colbert
We got a surprise preview today of what Comey plans to share. The Senate released his prepared statement. President Trump was like, “You can prepare statements?” – Jimmy Kimmel
Former FBI Director James Comey released the opening statement for his testimony tomorrow, and he says Trump once invited him to dinner, and it turned out to just be the two of them. Even worse, he made them sit on the same side of the booth. – Jimmy Fallon
Comey also described a dinner he had with Trump just after the inauguration. When he was invited, Comey assumed other people would be attending, of course, but when he showed up, it turned out to be “just the two of them, seated at a small oval table.” Oh, come on. That’s the oldest trick in the book! You invite your FBI director over for a movie saying it’s going to be a “group thing”, then when he shows up, it’s just the two of you. [wiggles eyebrows suggestively] “Can’t make Netflix work, so, you know …” [in seductive tone] you obstruct justice. – Stephen Colbert
This is what Comey wrote about his dinner with Trump back in January. He wrote, “He had called me at lunchtime that day, invited me to dinner that night, saying he was going to invite my whole family but decided to have just me this time, with the whole family coming next time. It was unclear from the conversation who else would be at the dinner. Although, I assumed there would be others. It turned out to be just the two of us.” It’s starting to read like chapter one of “Fifty Shades of Orange.” Right? Very sexual. – Jimmy Kimmel
And Trump told Comey “he had nothing to do with Russia, had not been involved with hookers in Russia, and always assumed he was being recorded when in Russia.” I love that he denied being involved with hookers in Russia. Let me tell you, Bill Clinton must be laughing his [butt] off right now. – Jimmy Kimmel
Former FBI Director James Comey did not want to be left alone in a room with Donald Trump. Which is why James Comey was just named an honorary Miss Universe contestant. – Conan O’Brien
Comey wrote that at their dinner the president said, “I need loyalty, I expect loyalty.” Which is not an appropriate thing for a president to ask the head of the FBI. Unless he’s planning to do the right thing and marry him, that is. – Jimmy Kimmel
So because these were uncomfortable conversations, Comey told Attorney General Jeff Sessions he did not want any future direct communication with President Trump. Melania said the same thing, by the way. It didn’t work out for either of them. – Jimmy Kimmel
Now, all in all, Comey says he spoke with Trump nine times in four months. In contrast, he spoke with President Obama only twice during his entire tenure, “once in 2015 to discuss law enforcement policy issues, and a second time, briefly, for him to say good-bye in late 2016.” Oh, and a third time a couple weeks ago when he asked if I wanted to just say “screw it” and go hang out with him and Oprah on Richard Branson’s yacht. – Stephen Colbert
A bar in D.C. is opening at 9:30 a.m. tomorrow for Comey’s hearing and will give everyone a free round of drinks each time Trump tweets about it. Which means everyone will be blacked out around 9:31 a.m. – Jimmy Fallon
A bar in Washington, D.C., will offer customers a free round of drinks every time President Trump tweets about former FBI Director James Comey during his testimony tomorrow. That story again: A bar in Washington, D.C., is having a going out of business sale. – Seth Meyers
President Trump tweeted that he’s nominating Christopher Wray to be the new director of the FBI, and called him “a man of impeccable credentials”. Wray was like, “Thanks! Can I put that on my resume when you fire me?” – Jimmy Fallon
President Trump today announced Christopher Wray, the attorney for New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie during the Bridge-gate scandal, as the nomination for FBI director. Donald, you’re even giving Chris Christie’s lawyer a job? How cruel are you? I bet you called him personally. “Chris, are you sitting down? I finally decided to hire … your friend, the lawyer. That’s it, though. No one else. All right. Have a terrible day.” – Seth Meyers
Yesterday, Press Secretary Sean Spicer was asked if the president has confidence in his attorney general and he was unable to answer the question. When Spicer was asked if he had any self-respect left, Spicer said, “I can’t answer that question either.” – Conan O’Brien
It’s been reported that Attorney General Jeff Sessions has offered to resign. President Trump told him, “That won’t be necessary, I’m taking you down with me.” – Conan O’Brien
Today is Vice President Mike Pence’s 58th birthday. But the White House is going to leave the decorations up all week so they can also celebrate Pence’s inauguration. – Jimmy Fallon
In Utah, a woman pulled out two of her son’s teeth in a Walmart bathroom. Or as that procedure will soon be known, “the Trumpcare dental plan”. – Conan O’Brien
Forbes has published a new exposé on Eric Trump’s charity golf tournaments, with a former employee saying that President Trump refused to let Eric use Trump properties free of charge, saying, “I don’t care if it’s my son or not. Everybody gets billed.” And he means that — he does not care if Eric is his son. – Seth Meyers
Today is Election Day in the U.K. Elections here in Great Britain are quite different from what people are used to in the United States. For instance, our elections here are a lot more polite. Granted, a lot of that is due to the fact that Donald Trump is not involved. – James Corden
For our American viewers who may not know, Theresa May is the prime minister here in Britain, and she’s the one who called for what’s known as a “snap election”. That means it’s just seven weeks of campaigning and it’s over. We Brits hold our elections the way we make love — quickly and without a lot of unnecessary emotion. And followed by an apology. – James Corden
Just seven weeks to see who gets the most votes, but in America, they are much more thorough. They take two years to see who gets the most votes. Then they elect the person who gets the second most votes. I’m kidding! They elect whoever Vladimir Putin wants. – James Corden
I’m going to tell you a little bit about our prime minister, Theresa May. Her father was a vicar, so she’s sort of a good girl, a preacher’s daughter, and she was giving an interview the other day where she was asked what was the naughtiest thing she had ever done as a child. And she said — brace yourselves, it’s pretty racy — she used to upset local farmers by running through their wheat fields. That’s her darkest secret from her wild past! – James Corden
Imagine meeting up with old friends: “Oh, we were crazy back then, weren’t we? Out of control! We really bent some wheat.” – James Corden
But come on, guys, we should really focus on the issues. Because what Theresa May has done in her past is the yeast of our concerns. – James Corden
Obama visited George and Amal Clooney at their home in the U.K. right before Amal gave birth to their twins. Man, I knew Obamacare was good — but didn’t know he actually showed up to deliver your babies! – Jimmy Fallon
Canadian officials announced they are planning to build up their military. Then they said, “That is, you know, if it’s OK with everybody else.” – Conan O’Brien
In Massachusetts, a medical marijuana dispensary has begun selling marijuana-infused pizza. Or as that’s known, “one-stop shopping”. – Conan O’Brien
