[Jokes from May 22, 2017]
Donald Trump was away from the White House this weekend, so it was pretty much like every other weekend since he became the president. – James Corden
But this time he was on his first international trip visiting several countries in the Middle East. His first stop was Saudi Arabia. Trump is visiting the Muslim nations as part of his “don’t come to us, we’ll come to you tour.” – James Corden
Trump spent over a year just trash-talking Muslims. Now he’s going to go and visit them, which is a bit like when you bad-mouth your friend’s ex and then they get back together. – James Corden
Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a little extra pep in my step tonight because Donald Trump has left the country. Breathing a little easier. Federal judges, now would be a good time to reinstate that travel ban. – Stephen Colbert
President Trump is still on his big overseas trip. Today, he arrived in Israel and landed in Tel Aviv. Then when they welcomed him to Tel Aviv, Trump said, “Who’s Aviv and what am I supposed to tell him?” – Jimmy Fallon
I saw that today Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave Trump a 150-year-old bible. Which got awkward when Trump autographed it and gave it back to him. – Jimmy Fallon
After Air Force One landed in Israel, Donald Trump reached for Melania’s hand and she slapped it away. Yeah, there’s video of it. She slaps it away. So, we’ve been wrong all this time. They apparently do have a normal marriage. – Conan O’Brien
The president and first lady visited Israel today. Trump arrived in Tel Aviv this morning with his wife Melania. He went to hold her hand and she kind of gave him a little, kind of, get-that-away-from-me. I’m no body language expert but I think that’s a sign for “I’m supposed to be shopping on Fifth Avenue right now.” – Jimmy Kimmel
It’s the first time the first lady has smacked a president since every day of Bill Clinton’s administration. – Conan O’Brien
Either that or his hand is so tiny she just didn’t see it. – Jimmy Kimmel
Trump became the first sitting U.S. president to visit the Western Wall in Jerusalem. His staff said he was praying but people nearby heard him counting Mississippi. – Jimmy Fallon
In spite of whatever’s going on domestically, the president made history today by becoming the first sitting president to visit the Western Wall. Now, I don’t know what’s going through his head here. My guess is that he’s pretending to be praying or something. We’re not paying for this. Don’t get any ideas. – Jimmy Kimmel
President Trump visited the Jewish holy site, the Western Wall, in east Jerusalem today. He also said the wall was the reason Israel doesn’t have any Mexicans. – Seth Meyers
Now, while in Israel, Trump visited a sacred historical site, the Western Wall. He wasn’t praying at the wall, he was shopping. “This is beautiful stone, beautiful stone. How much does 2,000 miles of this wall cost?” – James Corden
Even brought out a tape measure. “Melania, how big is Mexico?” – Seth Meyers
Before his visit to Israel, Trump was in Saudi Arabia. This is where the wheels came off. First of all, his commerce secretary was on TV raving about how there were no protesters in Saudi Arabia. Because protesters are beheaded in Saudi Arabia. That’s why. People without heads tend not to speak out. – Jimmy Kimmel
Somehow, the Saudi king always gets the U.S. president to bow. It happened to George Bush in 2008, and Obama in 2009. Trump gave Obama a lot of grief for that. So, there was “no way” Trump was going to bow when King Salman gave him the medal. Here he is going from the knees — trying not to — and the bow, and a little curtsy at the end there. – Stephen Colbert
President Trump was given an official welcome ceremony in Saudi Arabia this weekend where he was greeted with an honorary collar. As opposed to Michael Flynn who could soon be presented with an honorary anklet. – Seth Meyers
The Saudis know that the quickest way to Trump’s heart is through his ego. So they put up Trump-themed billboards everywhere. Including one of his tweets, “Great to be in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. Looking forward to the afternoon and evening ahead. #Potus-abroad.” – Stephen Colbert
They even put one of his tweets on the welcome sign. “Welcome to Riyadh. Rosie O’Donnell is a fat pig.” – Stephen Colbert
In both Israel and Saudi Arabia, many U.S. journalists are being barred from Trump press events because they’re women. – Conan O’Brien
As opposed to here in the U.S. where they’re barred from Trump press events because they’re journalists. – Conan O’Brien
I saw that the president of Egypt told Trump he has a unique personality. And Trump told him that he had nice shoes. Sounds less like two world leaders, more like a bad Tinder date. – Jimmy Fallon
President Trump said today he never mentioned the word “Israel” as the source of intelligence about ISIS during a meeting with Russian officials. Dude, nobody said you did. That’s like if your wife said, “Are you having an affair?” And you said, “I am not sleeping with Jenna.” – Seth Meyers
A company has released a GPS with President Trump’s voice as a navigator. It doesn’t guide you anywhere. It just keeps reminding you that he won the Electoral College. – Conan O’Brien
