[Jokes from May 18, 2017]
President Trump is having one heck of a week. The Justice Department appointed a special counsel to investigate ties between his campaign and Russia, which he did not like at all. But sources inside the White House say when he found out about it, he didn’t yell or scream. He told his staff, “We have nothing to hide.” He was calm. He punched Sean Spicer in the stomach a few times. – Jimmy Kimmel
The announcement of a special counsel [to investigate the Trump administration] shocked everyone, including the White House, which reportedly only got 30 minutes warning before the announcement went public. Sean Spicer barely had time to dive in the hedges and cover himself with mud. He learned that from Schwarzenegger in “Predator.” – Stephen Colbert
The Justice Department yesterday appointed former FBI Director Robert Mueller as special counsel to oversee the investigation into Trump and Russia. “I’m gonna get to the bottom of this,” said Donald Trump to a pint of Haagen-Dazs. – Seth Meyers
The twist is that the counsel was appointed by Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein. Remember Rosenstein? Last week when the administration was looking for someone to blame for the Comey firing, they tried to throw Rosenstein under the bus — forgetting that as deputy AG, he’s actually the bus DRIVER. Next stop: Indictment Avenue. – Stephen Colbert
It’s been a wild week for President Donald Trump. On Wednesday, the Justice Department appointed a special counsel to investigate Trump’s connections to Russia. Robert Mueller will be the special counsel. And today, Trump reacted by saying, “No fair, why does that guy get to be called special?” – James Corden
I’m kidding; Trump reacted by tweeting, of course. This morning, Donald Trump tweeted that he is the victim of “the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history.” The single greatest — even when he’s whining, Trump still has to be the greatest. – James Corden
Then this morning at 7:52 a.m. he got on Twitter and wrote: “This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history.” Even his witch hunts are the greatest in American history. – Jimmy Kimmel
President Trump today called the appointment of a special counsel to investigate his campaign’s ties to Russia “the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history.” Though it didn’t help his case much when he flew away on a broom. – Seth Meyers
Meanwhile, Trump started tweeting again. Today he criticized the Russia investigation, saying, “This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history.” Then one guy was like, “Do you still want to see my birth certificate?” – Jimmy Fallon
He also posted, “With all of the illegal acts that took place in the Clinton campaign and Obama administration, there was never a special counsel appointed.” I’m not sure if he’s bragging about that. Maybe that’s because neither one of them fired the person who was investigating them at the time? – Jimmy Kimmel
The new special counsel is former FBI Director Robert Mueller, who is Trump’s worst nightmare — a competent adult who owes him nothing and who, I am guessing, has not seen “The Apprentice.” – Stephen Colbert
Tomorrow Trump will leave for Saudi Arabia, even though he publicly bashed the country while he was campaigning. The only way staffers got him to go was by telling him he gets to meet Aladdin and Princess Jasmine. – Jimmy Fallon
With all the drama going on, Trump is getting out of town, he’s headed to Saudi Arabia tomorrow. He’s going to give — this is not a joke — he’s there to give a speech on Islam. Seems like a good idea. I’m sure the Muslim community is very eager to hear the orange man who’s trying to ban them from the country give a little speech. “Islam is fantastic, I have so many Muslim friends.” – Jimmy Kimmel
Trump will be out of the country for nine days. See, this is when they should put that travel ban in place. You know? – Jimmy Kimmel
According to multiple reports, there may be some changes when the president gets back from his trip. White House “stress secretary” Sean Spicer might not be allowed to do the daily press briefings anymore, which would be a shame because that’s one of my favorite shows right now. – Jimmy Kimmel
During a press conference this afternoon, President Trump said that his administration is getting things done at a record-setting pace. For example, most presidents take four years to finish a term and it looks like Trump’s going to get it done in, like, eight months. – Seth Meyers
A recording just came out from a closed-door meeting where Republican Congressman Kevin McCarthy says he thinks Vladimir Putin actually pays Donald Trump. Trump said he never accepted any money from Putin, because he was paid entirely in KFC gift cards. – Jimmy Fallon
A Girl Scout troop leader in Kentucky is on the run from police after she allegedly stole $15,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies. The suspect is now at large. And getting larger every minute. – James Corden
Rapper A$AP Rocky had $1.5 million worth of jewelry stolen from his home in Los Angeles earlier this week. Well, here’s a free tip: Stop spelling your name with a dollar sign. That’s like having the license plate “I LUV COCAINE” and being surprised when the cops pull you over. – Seth Meyers
A princess in Japan is giving up her royal status so she can marry a commoner. Which is something she’ll definitely bring up in every single fight she has with her husband. “Your friends are coming over for dinner? I gave up being a princess for you.” – Jimmy Fallon
