[Jokes from May 16, 2017]
According to the New York Times, President Trump asked former FBI Director James Comey to shut down the investigation into former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn. And that comes on the heels of revelations that Trump shared highly classified information with Russian officials last week. You know, at this point, I’d give anything to return to the simpler days of the campaign. The days when the only thing he gave away was his autograph. – Seth Meyers
I just want to see you sign hats again, Mr. President. Re-sign that hat. Still a lot of hats out there you can get back to. – Seth Meyers
The Washington Post is reporting that President Trump revealed classified information to Russian officials in the Oval Office last week. And there’s talk that Congress might investigate him for it. Trump says he has nothing to hide and that he’ll fire whoever’s investigating him anyway. So, doesn’t matter. – Jimmy Fallon
The big story today is that Donald Trump shared secret information with the Russians last week. The good news for Trump is that he’s been named Employee of the Month by Russia. – James Corden
Apparently — this is being reported in the Washington Post — Trump was showing off for his guests telling the Russians: “I get great Intel. I have people brief me on great Intel every day.” Well, yeah. You’re the president. It’s the job. – Stephen Colbert
It’s like the guy working the fry station saying, “You would not believe the tater tots I have access to.” – Stephen Colbert
Trump revealed secret information about ISIS to the Russian foreign minister and ambassador. Trump was like, “Don’t worry, I traded the information for three magic beans.” – Jimmy Fallon
National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster today defended President Trump for sharing classified information with Russia, saying, “The president wasn’t even aware where the information came from.” Well, that doesn’t surprise me. I would bet Trump isn’t even sure where babies come from. – Seth Meyers
Israel was the source of the intelligence Trump gave to the Russians. And oopsa shalom — Trump is scheduled to visit Israel next week. That is really going to be one awkward state dinner. “Mr. President, can you please pass the hummus, or would you prefer to pass it directly to Russia?” – Stephen Colbert
A new Gallup poll finds that President Trump’s approval rating has dropped to 38 percent. You know it’s bad when your approval ratings reach the numbers where you get concerned your phone is going to die. – Seth Meyers
It is rumored that Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle could replace Sean Spicer as White House press secretary. Spicer’s friends were going to take him out for drinks, but he said, “Actually, I’ve been drunk since January.” – Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Clinton is forming a group called Onward Together, a political organization that is anti-Trump. Experts are calling it bold, ambitious, and six months too late. – James Corden
Last week, a man in Washington State tried to get out of drug charges by bribing the policeman with Taco Bell. Um, “nacho” smart. Police got suspicious of narcotics when they saw the man doing 75 miles per hour — he was on foot. – James Corden
A new study found that more than half of American doctors are burnt out, exhausted, and losing their sense of purpose. So, if your doctor seems burnt out, exhausted, and losing their sense of purpose, ask if Zoloft might be right for them. – Jimmy Fallon
Hackers have stolen a copy of the new “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie and are holding it for ransom. Yeah. They could release this movie illegally. I guess you could say it’s a “pirated” video. – James Corden
