[Jokes from May 4, 2017]
House Republicans today voted on and passed an Obamacare replacement bill without knowing how much it could cost. Though I’m not surprised — they also voted on an Obama replacement without knowing the cost. – Seth Meyers
Today the House voted to pass the Republican healthcare bill before taking an 11-day recess. They say they’re going to use the break to kick back, relax, and finally read the bill they just voted for. – Jimmy Fallon
Congress narrowly passed Republican plan to replace Obamacare today. Also narrowly passing: Grandma. – Seth Meyers
Democrats are calling for the new Republican healthcare bill to be called “Trumpcare.” Experts say that’s the first time the words “Trump” and “care” have ever been said together. – Jimmy Fallon
A member of the conservative House Freedom Caucus said yesterday that it can be difficult to negotiate with President Trump because it’s hard to tell what he’s thinking. Also, if. – Seth Meyers
Reince Priebus said that Trump helped pass the bill by punting the ball into the end zone. When told that analogy didn’t quite make sense, he said, “I meant that he hit a grand slam into the net and slapped the puck right into the hoop. Is that better?” – Jimmy Fallon
Today, Trump tweeted that the media is out of control, saying that they will do or say anything to get attention. Then he honked the horn of an 18-wheeler, posed for a picture with Kid Rock, and accused Obama of spying on him from his microwave. – Jimmy Fallon
President Trump canceled his White House Cinco de Mayo celebration. He made the decision after Mexico said they wouldn’t pay for it. – Jimmy Fallon
Today isn’t only Cinco de Mayo, it’s also the one-year anniversary of this [Trump] tweet: “Happy #CincodeMayo. I love Hispanics!” You know, a year has gone by, but I’m just as embarrassed today as I was the day it was posted. – James Corden
Today was Star Wars Day, because the day was May Fourth, as in “May the fourth be with you.” And now, it’s technically May Fifth, Cinco de Mayo, as in “May the fifth margarita be in you.” – James Corden
For those of you who are observing, I’d like to wish you a happy Star Wars Day. Today is May the Fourth, as in “May the fourth be with you.” Can you imagine explaining Star Wars Day to someone who’s never seen the movie? “Yeah, it’s a holiday when we celebrate a movie about a brother and a sister who kiss.” – Kristen Bell substituting for Jimmy Kimmel
Today was National Star Wars Day and if you celebrated, no girlfriend you have. – Seth Meyers
According to a new biography, former President Obama proposed to a serious girlfriend he had before he met Michelle Obama, but he paused so long she walked away. – Seth Meyers
In other news, Dictionary.com has added 300 new words, including slang terms like bitchhface, 4:20, and dad bod. “4:20” is being added to the dictionary. Because only a stoner would try to look up a number in the dictionary. – James Corden
“Bitchhface” and “dad bod” were added. If you don’t know what a bitchface is, it’s what I make when you say I have a dad bod. – James Corden
Another word being added to dictionary.com is “man bun.” Hopefully the dictionary is the last place where we’ll ever see another man bun. – James Corden
