[Jokes from Apr. 24, 2017]
It’s a huge week for Donald Trump. On Saturday, he will reach 100 days in office. Boy, it sure seems longer. – Stephen Colbert
Saturday marks President Trump’s first 100 days. Political analysts say that we are still in President Trump’s “honeymoon” phase. Which may account for that feeling that we’re being repeatedly screwed. – Conan O’Brien
In a new interview, President Trump said he is “mostly there” on fulfilling the promises of his first 100 days. Said Trump, “Look, at this point, I’ve already accomplished 95 days.” – Seth Meyers
Friday is Day 99 of the Trump administration, and we may have a government shutdown if Congress does not pass a budget. Trump is so desperate to have something to show for his first 100 days that he just threw in funding for the border wall, which may kill the bill and make the U.S. financially insolvent. So, Trump really is running the country like one of his businesses. – Stephen Colbert
Trump says now the wall will cost less than $10 billion, but it could be more if he makes it “super-duper”. And taxpayers said, “Wait a second. You never said it could be super-duper.” – Jimmy Fallon
On Sunday Trump blamed Democrats for not wanting to fund the border wall, which he claims Mexico will be paying for, quote, “in some form” and “at a later date.” In some form — what form? Like, they can just buy us a round of beers? – James Corden
Can you imagine if other great leaders had talked this way? “I have a dream … in some form, at a later date.” – James Corden
This weekend was the big march for science. And there were a lot of animal rights activists protesting Trump’s policies on endangered species. Trump was like, “I love endangered species. That’s why I refuse to drink the new unicorn Frappuccino at Starbucks.” – Jimmy Fallon
Environmental activists say that Trump’s border wall would disrupt the migration of hundreds of species. Animals were like, “No problem. We’ll just tunnel under it like everyone else.” – Jimmy Fallon
Bill Nye the science guy spoke at the march in D.C., and said that the founding fathers promoted science in Article 1 of the Constitution. Trump was like, “Eh, I don’t read it for the articles.” – Jimmy Fallon
Today President Trump congratulated NASA astronaut Peggy Whitson for breaking a record for total time spent in space by a U.S. astronaut. Trump asked her how she managed to be up there for so long, and she explained it was easy. “You see, you announced you were running for president, and I immediately asked to be launched into space as soon as possible.” – James Corden
Today, Astronaut Peggy Whitson set a record for the longest time spent in space by an American astronaut, and got a congratulatory call from President Trump. When Trump asked what motivated her to stay in space so long, Whitson answered, “You”. – Conan O’Brien
Trump wanted to know what the hardest part has been, and she explained, “Having to deal with the dark, empty vacuum of nothingness.” But she then continued, “As soon as this call is over, I’ll be fine.” – James Corden
Today, President Trump held separate phone conversations with the president of China and the prime minister of Japan. Trump was shocked to learn that those are two different people. – Conan O’Brien
This week is National Volunteer Week. Said President Trump, “So … anybody wanna be president?” – Seth Meyers
Nothing matters to Donald Trump more than ratings. When Trump was asked if he planned to fire embattled press secretary Sean Spicer, he said, “I’m not firing Sean Spicer, that guy gets great ratings. Everyone tunes in.” It’s true. You can’t tear your eyes away from Sean Spicer — it’s like watching a car crash that knows nothing about the Holocaust. – Stephen Colbert
This Thursday, President Trump will be having dinner with the members of the Supreme Court. However, Mike Pence cannot attend because his wife won’t let him dine with that temptress Ruth Bader Ginsburg. – Conan O’Brien
Over the weekend, musician Kenny G was on a Delta flight and gave a brief performance. Passengers are describing the performance as “not brief enough.” – Conan O’Brien
On Saturday, Kenny G gave a surprise performance on a Delta flight. Or as United put it, “Touché”. – Jimmy Fallon
A restaurant opened in London today specializing in airline-style food. And if you like your steak a little bloody, order it “United”. – Seth Meyers
American Airlines is under fire after one of its flight attendants allegedly yanked a stroller away from a mother with a baby. Passengers were outraged that the attendant took the stroller and not the baby. – Conan O’Brien
A dentist in Alaska is in hot water over a video of him pulling a patient’s tooth while riding a hoverboard. Now he could face criminal charges — not for the tooth, just for being an adult on a hoverboard. – James Corden
He got in trouble for this? Next you’re gonna tell me it’s inappropriate for my doctor to give prostate exams while riding a Segway. – James Corden
A major food company has recalled two types of frozen hash browns because the potatoes may contain pieces of golf balls. Doctors say if you’ve already ingested pieces of golf balls, the best thing is to just let them play through. – James Corden
A New Jersey restaurant has begun selling a massive taco-covered pizza for $75. “Seems a little steep,” said a customer who was looking at the three steps in front of the restaurant. – Seth Meyers
