[Jokes from Apr. 20, 2017]
Sarah Palin visited the White House last night along with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. All three expressed their regrets that Honey Boo Boo couldn’t make it. – Conan O’Brien
Last night, Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock met with Trump in the Oval Office — or as they’re more commonly known, “The redneck Holy Trinity.” – Jimmy Fallon
Last night, President Trump had a very important meeting in the Oval Office with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. How the hell did they get into the White House? Kid Rock is not even allowed in a Waffle House. – Jimmy Kimmel
Last night, Donald Trump hosted a dinner at the White House that was attended by Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock. The dinner was interrupted when an episode of “Cops” broke out. – Conan O’Brien
Today is 4/20. 4/20 is that special day of the year when everyone who smokes pot continues to smoke pot. – Conan O’Brien
People really get into the spirit here. Here’s the thing: The truth is, if you’re celebrating 4/20 today, chances are you were celebrating it yesterday. And the day before that too. – Jimmy Kimmel
Between Easter and 4/20, this has been a huge week for eating candy and rolling stuff. – Jimmy Kimmel
In honor of 4/20, Ben and Jerry’s introduced a new menu item that’s an ice cream waffle cone taco with fudge called a “Choloco.” Or as stoners put it, “You had us at ice cream … And then you had us at waffle and then cone and then taco!” – Jimmy Fallon
In case you either don’t know or are too high to remember, it’s 4/20. I don’t know if this is a thing for the whole country, but it’s a big deal around these parts. The whole state smells like it ran over a skunk the size of Godzilla. – Jimmy Kimmel
Legal marijuana in South Dakota could help boost funding for teachers. And teachers said, “Well, screw the money. Just give us the weed.” – Jimmy Fallon
Marijuana is legal here in California by state law. But it’s still technically illegal, according to federal law. So the LAPD, the police, can’t arrest you for having pot but an FBI agent can. It’s confusing, right? Now imagine trying to understand that while you’re high. – Jimmy Kimmel
In other smoking-related news, the mayor of New York yesterday proposed a new bill that would raise the price of cigarettes to what would be the highest in the country. If the bill passes, a pack of cigarettes would cost $13 in New York. The only place where cigarettes would cost more is prison. – Jimmy Kimmel
Mayor Bill de Blasio says that when it comes to the health of New Yorkers, big tobacco is enemy No. 1. Enemy No. 2 is pizza. – Jimmy Kimmel
Time magazine today released its annual list of the “100 Most-Influential People in the World.” Making the list this year, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Pope Francis, James Comey, and of course, Donald Trump. Hillary Clinton did not make the list. Which is really crazy. Hillary Clinton influenced a whole half of a country to vote for Donald Trump for president. You’d think that would be worth something. – Jimmy Kimmel
Chelsea Clinton recently said that when her mom traveled, she would leave a note for her every day that she was gone. Though every day the note just read, “Keep an eye on your father.” – Jimmy Fallon
Paul Ryan, speaker of the House, wrote the profile of Donald Trump. That’s what they do, have famous people write the profile of other famous people. He said Trump always finds a way to get it done. He does? Other than his hair, what did he get done? Can’t even get his wife to move in with him. – Jimmy Kimmel
The New England Patriots visited the White House, and Patriots star Rob Gronkowski interrupted Sean Spicer’s White House press briefing and asked if he needed help. Reporters all laughed while Sean Spicer whispered, “Yes”. – Jimmy Fallon
Major League Baseball is planning to have a “Game of Thrones” theme night at stadiums across the country. Instead of bobbleheads, fans will receive actual severed heads. – Conan O’Brien
After allegedly sexually harassing his fellow employees, Bill O’Reilly is leaving Fox News with a severance worth $25 million. So with that in mind, I’d just like to say to Andy, “Nice rack”. – Conan O’Brien
Today, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un warned that he might unleash a “super mighty preemptive strike.” When she heard, Mrs. Kim Jong-un rolled her eyes and said, “Trust me, I wouldn’t worry about it.” – Conan O’Brien
Scientists have developed a new kind of robot that is able to shoot a gun. In fact, earlier today, I was carjacked by my Roomba. – Conan O’Brien
A man is suing Grindr because over 1,000 men showed up at his place of business demanding sex. Though in fairness, the man does work at “Al’s House of Crullers and Anonymous Gay Sex.” – Conan O’Brien
