[Jokes from Apr. 19, 2017]
Bill O’Reilly has been fired by Fox News. It’s not that big of a surprise. We all saw this coming at us, you know, like an old man cornering an intern in the break room. – Stephen Colbert
Bill O’Reilly has been fired from Fox News after being accused of sexually harassing up to 12 women. Apparently O’Reilly violated Fox News’s strict 11-woman limit. – Conan O’Brien
One person who hasn’t had a great day is Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly, who has been fired from the network after years of multimillion-dollar sexual harassment suits. I mean Fox News had no choice. They have a very strict “28 strikes and you’re out” policy. – James Corden
Fox issued an official statement this afternoon on O’Reilly’s dismissal. I think they just took the Roger Ailes statement and just changed the nouns. – Stephen Colbert
Fox News announced that Bill O’Reilly has been fired, after his sexual harassment scandal. Experts say it is not likely that any self-respecting network will ever hire him — then CNN said, “Welcome aboard!” – Jimmy Fallon
This is a lesson for all of us: If you behave like an animal who sexually harasses women, you can’t host a talk show. You can be president, but you can’t host a talk show. – James Corden
Fox News fired Bill O’Reilly. The head of Fox News said, “There’s only one place for an angry old guy that demeans women, and that’s the White House.” – Conan O’Brien
They celebrated O’Reilly’s career, saying, “By ratings standards, Bill O’Reilly is one of the most accomplished TV personalities in the history of cable news.” By rating standards he is. By moral standards, he was a self-righteous landfill of angry garbage. – Stephen Colbert
I saw that earlier today, O’Reilly actually met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. And when he saw O’Reilly go into confession, the next guy in line said, “You know what? I’ll come back tomorrow.” – Jimmy Fallon
Bill O’Reilly is vacationing in Italy, and yesterday he was spotted at the Vatican, shaking hands with Pope Francis. Man, O’Reilly really will hit on anything in a dress. – Conan O’Brien
In addition to being cable’s top rated host, O’Reilly has written a number of best-selling books including “Killing Lincoln,” “Killing Reagan,” and “Killing Kennedy.” And I really look forward to his next book, “Killing Time at Home.” – James Corden
At the White House today, President Trump hosted the Super Bowl champion, the New England Patriots. You know, they were lucky to catch the president. It’s Wednesday — usually he’s on his way to the Mar-a-Lago for the weekend. – Jimmy Kimmel
Several players chose to skip the White House field trip. Quarterback Tom Brady said he had “personal family matters” to deal with, which means he stayed home to watch “Family Matters”. – Jimmy Kimmel
A new report says the U.S. border wall could cost three times as much as previously estimated. However, Trump says he’ll keep costs down with his secret business trick called “not paying for stuff”. – Conan O’Brien
President Trump gave a speech in Wisconsin yesterday — he actually spoke in front of a giant flag made out of wrenches. When he heard he’d be speaking in front of a bunch of tools, he said, “My Cabinet’s gonna be there?” – Jimmy Fallon
Trump set a record for the most money raised for an inauguration. He raised $107 million, more than double what Obama raised for his first inauguration. 107 is a lot of million dollars. It makes you wonder, thought, why could they only book 3 Doors Down? With that kind of money you could afford so many more doors down. – Jimmy Kimmel
He raised the money through donations from companies and wealthy individuals, including $5 million from billionaire Sheldon Adelson, $4 million from someone who just goes by initials — this is interesting: KGB. I don’t know who it is. It could be anyone. – Jimmy Kimmel
$107 million seems like a lot to spend on an inauguration, but when you go through the expenses, it makes sense. Here’s how it breaks down according to the White House: Microphone, $225. Podium, $650. $750,000 for all the limos and the security. Mini Bible to make Trump’s hands look big, $57. The helicopter to get rid of the Obamas, $257,000. $15,000 for Melania’s dress. $2,700 for her gloves. 20 million Slovenian euros for Melania herself. And they paid the piano guys with lunch, just a few dollars there. Trump’s appearance fee, $85 million for him to speak, for a total of $107 million. – Jimmy Kimmel
Huge election last night in Georgia’s 6th District. It was an unusual election. It was what’s called a “jungle primary,” because like every election this year, it will probably end in madness and cannibalism. – Stephen Colbert
Sure enough, Ossoff only got 48.1 percent of the vote. If he had gotten over 50 percent of the vote, he would have won outright, but he got less than the majority, so now I think he gets to be president of the United States. Is that how it works? – Stephen Colbert
A recent security purge by Facebook has unintentionally gotten rid of millions of “likes”. Just think… all those wasted hours, wasted. – Conan O’Brien
Congrats to Serena Williams! She just announced that she’s expecting a baby, which means she won the Australian Open while she was pregnant. Then the baby said, “So, do I get a doubles trophy?” – Jimmy Fallon
At the site where the North Koreans are expected to test a nuclear missile, according to new images from our satellites, soldiers on the ground, instead of working frantically to get the test together, were seen playing volleyball. Which can only mean North Korea is planning to attack us with a volleybomb. And only Tom Brady can save us, and where is he? – Jimmy Kimmel
An archaeologist is claiming he’s discovered an amazing lost city in Kansas. Then he realized he just got drunk and watched “The Wizard of Oz.” – Conan O’Brien
I read that after the success of their in-store cafes, Ikea might open its own restaurants. Which is great, until you have to assemble your own table. – Jimmy Fallon
A packet of McDonald’s discontinued Szechuan sauce from 1998 just sold on eBay for nearly $15,000. This has created such a buzz, the bidding got so high, that McDonald’s is thinking of bringing the Szechuan sauce back. To which the guy who just spent 15 grand said “Wait, you’re going to do what now?” – James Corden
The nation’s first drive-through marijuana dispensary is opening tomorrow in Colorado. Also, down the street will be the world’s most successful DUI checkpoint. – James Corden
