Political Irony

[Jokes from Apr. 18, 2017]

Today is Tax Day. It’s the day that all Americans but one release their tax records. – Conan O’Brien

President Trump is refusing to release his tax returns for 2016. It’s become kind of a tradition for him now, to not release them. I think I’ve figured out why the president doesn’t want us to see his tax returns, why he’s keeping them secure: He’s planning a party for us and he wants them to be a surprise. He’s going to put them all in a piñata and give us each a stick. – Jimmy Kimmel

Today was the deadline to file your taxes. I guess Trump got some good news this year. He got to write off the first 100 days of his presidency as a total loss. Good for him. – Jimmy Fallon

I used to do my own taxes. For years, I would save all the receipts, log all my miles on my car. Every time I bought something I’d figure out some angle. “Oh, this hamster cage is clearly a business expense, I might try to write a movie about hamsters or something.” – Jimmy Kimmel

Then I hired an accountant, which is counterintuitive because all throughout school, you’re not allowed to pay a nerd to do your homework for you. Then you become an adult and that’s exactly what you do. – Jimmy Kimmel

Accountants must hate us and the month of April so much. I bet there’s a party going on at H&R Block right now like you would not believe. – Jimmy Kimmel

Tax Day normally falls on April 15 traditionally, but they moved it this year because the 15th was a Saturday, and I think it’s illegal to make people do math on Saturdays. – Jimmy Kimmel

It’s weird that the government more or less just trusts us to tell them how much we owe them. A restaurant wouldn’t do that. – Jimmy Kimmel

JetBlue is holding a sweepstakes where if you owe money to the IRS, you can enter to win a free flight. And get this, United’s offering just to drag the tax collector out of your home. – Jimmy Fallon

In New York, a Southwest Airlines pilot was arrested for having a loaded gun hidden in his carry-on bag. The pilot was fired from Southwest and immediately hired by United, so we’re all set now. – Conan O’Brien

Trump just gave an interview where he appeared to confuse Kim Jong Un with his father, Kim Jong Il. It got worse when Trump was like, “Which one’s married to Kanye?” – Jimmy Fallon

Our relationship with North Korea is especially tense right now. And one way or another, Donald Trump is going to do something about that [plays clip of Trump saying Bill Clinton and Obama “have all been outplayed by this gentleman”] — just as soon as he figures out that Kim Jong Un and his father, Kim Jong Il, are two different people. – Jimmy Kimmel

Does Trump really not know that when Bill Clinton was president, Kim Jong Un was 16 years old? This is crazy! There’s a 50-50 chance we might accidentally bomb South Korea if we’re not careful. – Jimmy Kimmel

To be fair, there are a lot of Kims out there. As a service to our president I thought we’d make it clear [shows photos]: This is Kim Jong Il. He is very dead. This is Kim Jong Un. He is still alive. And this is Lil Kim. She has nothing to do with any of it, leave her alone. – Jimmy Kimmel

Several days ago, President Trump said an American aircraft carrier was heading towards North Korea, but it turns out it was sailing in the opposite direction. It’s the aircraft carrier the U.S.S. Metaphor. – Conan O’Brien

There’s a lot of politicians on Instagram, they’re always posting photos. One thing I’ve noticed is that sometimes they’ll write the exact same caption as someone else, but the picture they post will be completely different. Let me show you an example from Bernie Sanders and Betsy DeVos. They both wrote, “This is bananas.” Bernie Sanders posted a picture of Neil Gorsuch being appointed to the Supreme Court. And Betsy DeVos posted a picture of oranges. – Jimmy Fallon

A high school boy in Georgia got the local police to help him stage a drug bust in order to ask a girl to prom. The cops questioned both of them about a fake bag of marijuana, then eventually gave the girl a note with a request to go to prom. Look, this is a family show, and I would never usually say this, but (bleep) this kid. I mean, seriously. Who does he think he is? What did he do, call 911? “911, what is your emergency?” “Well, there’s this girl, Katie…” “We’ll be there!” – James Corden

In my day, school dances were very simple affairs. Everyone said no, and I stayed home. – James Corden

The police say they loved helping the two with the prom-posal, and look forward to seeing them together on prom night when they arrest them for underage drinking. – James Corden

This is the sign that the boy gave her: “Say yes or you’re under arrest.” The scary part? That’s also Donald Trump’s campaign slogan for 2020. – James Corden

The Trump administration has decided that, unlike the Obama administration, they will not release the White House visitor logs. It will no longer be a matter of public record. Which I’m sure is fine. It’s like when your teenage son borrows your laptop, when you get it back he cleared the browser history. Not suspicious at all. – Jimmy Kimmel

A Republican lawmaker who was criticized about his vote against internet privacy said nobody’s got to use the internet. Then someone told him that’s where porn was. And he said, “I have been a fool. I apologize.” – Conan O’Brien

President Trump has begun hiring more people from President George W. Bush’s administration. Trump specifically asked for the Iraq guy and the Katrina guy. “I want those guys, they’re the best.” – Conan O’Brien

Researchers are now using the video game “Grand Theft Auto” to teach self-driving cars how to drive. That’s true. In fact, two Google cars were just arrested for beating up a hooker. – Conan O’Brien

Big news from my home country, Great Britain: The prime minister, Theresa May, surprised everyone by calling for an early election on June 8, even though it wasn’t supposed to happen until 2020. She’s fed up with all the political fighting, so she’s asking for another election right away. To which Americans replied, “Wait, we can do that?” – James Corden

Having the election on June 8 means there’s only seven weeks of campaigning. That might seem crazy here in America, where you campaign for, um, a decade. But believe me, seven weeks is more than enough time to hate all the candidates. – James Corden

A man was arrested at the Coachella music festival over the weekend after it was discovered he’d stolen over 100 smartphones. Listen, you’re not going to get away with stealing phones at Coachella. Coachella is basically a selfie festival that happens to have music. – James Corden