[Jokes from Apr. 17, 2017]
At today’s Easter Egg Roll, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer read a book to children. Afterwards, all the kids had the same question: “Who’s Hitler?” – Conan O’Brien
You know what everyone’s talking about? The White House Easter Egg Roll. It was really cute. They had a miniature podium where kids could pretend to be Trump’s press secretary. The winner got some candy, while the loser got the job. – Jimmy Fallon
But it was a great time, and apparently the Easter egg hunt is still going on. Because Trump hides those Easter eggs as well as he hides his tax returns. – James Corden
Trump really had fun with it, though. Every time a kid went for an Easter egg, he’d hit it with a nine-iron. [mimes golf swing] “Losers! Too bad, you lost!” – Jimmy Fallon
This morning was the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. There was an appearance by that very special visitor, someone who only shows up to the White House once a year — Melania Trump. – James Corden
Today at the White House Easter festivities, Melania Trump kicked things off by blowing a whistle. Then again, most women standing near Donald Trump end up having to blow a whistle. – Conan O’Brien
It was good that Melania was there. She had to remind Trump to put his hand over his heart during the National Anthem [plays clip showing Melania elbowing Trump]. Keep in mind, she’s the immigrant from Slovenia, he was born here. He should know what to do during the National Anthem. I mean, that’s what my wife does to me to get me to stop talking. – James Corden
This is Trump’s first Easter Egg Roll. The president and the first lady kicked things off with the National Anthem, and notice what she has to do in the middle of it [clip of Melania nudging Trump].”Put your hand up! Do it, you’re the president!” He forget to put his hand over his heart, it happens to everybody. I mean, when I saw that footage, I almost forgot to put my hand over my face. – Stephen Colbert
And yet, not the most embarrassing thing to happen at the Easter Egg Roll. That honor goes to the official White House Snapchat account, which sent out a snap featuring a bunch of kids gathered around “Secretary of ‘Educatuon’ Betsy DeVos.” It’s like Betsy DeVos always says, “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘education’ … the way I spell it.” – Stephen Colbert
Trump also weighed in on tomorrow’s special election in Georgia, saying, “The super liberal Democrat in the Georgia congressioal race tomorrow wants to protect criminals, allow illegal immigration and raise taxes!” That’s right, “congressioal.” Someone’s being tutored by Betsy DeVos. – Stephen Colbert
Things still aren’t looking good for United Airlines. Last week there was a huge story where they assaulted a man by pulling him off a flight. Well, Saturday, United kicked an engaged couple who were on the way to their wedding off of a plane for changing seats. Because you know after their last PR debacle United decided, “We’re not going to pull one more person off a flight — we’re going to pull two.” – James Corden
According to a new survey, 44 percent of people would rather take a longer flight that costs more than fly United Airlines. When they heard this, American Airlines said, “Done and done”. – Conan O’Brien
It’s come out that a Navy SEAL has been moonlighting for seven years as a porn star. Even more surprising: It turns out that the guy who killed Osama bin Laden was Ron Jeremy. – Conan O’Brien
Scientists have begun testing the possibility of using sperm to deliver life-saving drugs to specific parts of the female body. But first, they’re going to have guys test this out as a pick-up line. – Conan O’Brien
Scientists are now claiming that every hour spent running increases your lifespan by seven hours. In other words, a majority of Americans died three years ago. – Conan O’Brien
On a bittersweet note, the world’s oldest person has died in Italy at the age of 117. It’s tragic — she died in a knife fight with the world’s second-oldest person. I’m kidding! Do you know how she died? Bungee-jumping. – James Corden
A couple from Florida just set a record by taking their 200th Carnival Cruise. The couple said, “What can we say, we love diarrhea.” – Conan O’Brien
The latest “Fast and the Furious” movie, “The Fate of the Furious,” had one of the biggest Easter box office openings of all time. Even Jesus was like, “Those guys came back AGAIN? I mean, even I stopped at one sequel!” – Jimmy Fallon
A new poll finds that more than half of American adults say they’ve smoked marijuana. While the other half said, “Wait … what was the question?” – Jimmy Fallon
