[Jokes from Apr. 6, 2017]
The fight continues over the confirmation of Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch. And today, in the Senate, was a battle royal with cheese, because the Democrats took a stand. Democrats successfully filibustered President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, Neil Gorsuch. Woo-hoo! They did it! Yeah! They did it! Democrats won! For about an hour. – Stephen Colbert
The rule change was getting rid of the filibuster, a last resort commonly known as the “nuclear option”. And it’s called the “nuclear option” because they need some part of it to sound exciting. – Stephen Colbert
Donald Trump says he is skipping the White House Correspondents Dinner. Of course, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is furious. Christie, as you know, has never skipped a dinner in his life. – Jimmy Fallon
President Trump today met with the president of China at his Mar-a-Lago resort. And things got off to an awkward start when Trump said, “I thought you were really funny in the ‘Hangover’ movies.” – Seth Meyers
Donald Trump made an extraordinary claim to The New York Times about a Democratic congressman: “Elijah Cummings was in my office, and he said, ‘You will go down as one of the great presidents in the history of our country.’” Really? I get the “you will go down” part, but, after that, you kind of lost me. – Stephen Colbert
A so-called Museum of Failure is opening in Sweden this June. Though, if you can’t wait that long, [shows photo of White House] check out the pop-up exhibit in Washington. – Seth Meyers
Nunes is stepping aside because the House Ethics Committee is determined to investigate allegations that Nunes may have made unauthorized disclosures of classified information. “Good news, Congressman Nunes! We found the leaker! He’s in your mirror.” – Stephen Colbert
Quarterback Colin Kaepernick has done a complete 180. He now says he WILL stand for the national anthem. He’s now sitting for the games, but he’s standing for the anthem. – Jimmy Fallon
A New Jersey man recently admitted to stealing $20,000 worth of ginger ale from a grocery store. He said he wasn’t planning on stealing so much, he just got Schwepped up in it. – Seth Meyers
Caitlyn Jenner told Diane Sawyer she is writing her autobiography. I think that’s going to be one of those “he said, she said” deals. – Jimmy Fallon
A new study found that plastic surgeons make an average of $354,000 per year. “I am shocked,” said one woman’s face but not her mouth. – Seth Meyers
According to the National Enquirer, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are headed for divorce. I don’t believe it. I don’t think he would ever leave her behind. – Jimmy Fallon
At the Academy of Country Music Awards, Willie Nelson announced he was writing his memoirs. He said in his memoirs, he will explain how marijuana has affected his life. Here’s how it affected his life: He started writing his memoir in 1946. – Jimmy Fallon
