[Jokes from Apr. 3, 2017]
The president is very upset right now because he’s currently being investigated by every branch of the government. Even the post office wants to know who’s licking his stamps. – Jimmy Kimmel
A judge just ruled Trump can be sued for inciting violence against protesters at a campaign rally. Although, I’m really more upset that he incited voting. – Stephen Colbert
The White House has announced that President Trump will donate his first quarter’s salary of over $78,000 to the National Park Service. Said Trump, “There’s nothing more important than the people who park our cars.” – Seth Meyers
President Trump on Friday walked out of an Oval Office signing ceremony without actually signing his two executive orders on trade. That’s literally our best hope against the Trump administration — him forgetting what he came into the room for. – Seth Meyers
It’s been a busy few weeks for the president. Every day he gets to work, rolls up his sleeves, and gives a new job to Jared Kushner. – Stephen Colbert
Jared Kushner, who of course is married to [President Donald Trump’s] daughter Ivanka, went to Iraq today, where he met with the Iraqi prime minister. Which is strange. Because Jared Kushner’s a real estate developer. He’s 36 years old. He has no experience dealing with foreign governments. This is a guy who negotiates rent. His job is to figure out how much it will cost to put a Dunkin’ Donuts on the first floor of an office building. – Jimmy Kimmel
This weekend, Jared Kushner’s to-do list got even longer when he made a surprise visit to Iraq. He wanted to go somewhere with less sectarian violence than the White House. – Stephen Colbert
Dennis Rodman has more foreign policy experience than Jared Kushner. – Jimmy Kimmel
So far, Kushner is in charge of brokering Mideast peace, negotiating the wall with Mexico, tackling America’s opioid epidemic, fixing the Department of Veterans Affairs, handling diplomacy with China, and dyeing the eggs for the White House Easter egg hunt. – Stephen Colbert
So you have to wonder why the president would send him to a military operation in Iraq. There’s only one possible explanation: I think the president might be trying to kill him. A lot of fathers don’t get along with their son-in-laws. If you’re president, you can throw a black bag over his head and ship him off to Iraq. – Jimmy Kimmel
By the way, do you think Donald Trump’s real sons are jealous that Jared’s over in Iraq meeting with the general while they’re off shooting koala bears and playing hackie sack with rolls of $50 bills? I mean, they have to be, right? – Jimmy Kimmel
The White House today released the official portrait of the first lady, Melania Trump [shows portrait photo]. I think she was photographed on the set of “Wheel of Fortune” or something. Very strange. It looks like the jewel box cover for her Starbucks CD. Or an ad for Kay Jewelers. She’s the only first lady to use a wind machine in her official portrait. – Jimmy Kimmel
A report says that since 2010, over a million people have moved out of the New York area to other parts of the country, while one [shows photo of Melania] just won’t. – Seth Meyers
So anyway, now there will at least be one Melania in the White House. – Jimmy Kimmel
Bed Bath & Beyond recently announced that it will continue to sell Ivanka Trump products. So, be sure to pick up her new line of “How Do You Sleep at Night?” pillows. – Seth Meyers
There’s drama brewing in Washington because the Senate is about to vote on [Supreme Court] nominee Neil Gorsuch. But Democrats aren’t going to let Gorsuch get confirmed without a fight. Sure, it’s a fight they’re going to lose — but those are the kinds of fights Democrats love. – Stephen Colbert
Former White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest recently said that former President Obama is genuinely concerned about how things are going in the country. In fact, today there was just a hint of sadness in his eye, as he swam up to the bar to order another Mai Tai. – Seth Meyers
North Carolina beat Gonzaga to win the whole thing in a game that was just back and forth the whole night, which means March Madness is officially over. And CBS now returns to your regularly scheduled Trump Madness already in progress. – James Corden
Here’s the thing, Gonzaga: In many ways, you are actually the lucky ones. You don’t have to get your picture taken with the president. It’s a lose-win. – James Corden
A 12-year-old girl in North Carolina correctly chose the final four in her bracket, it was amazing. Yeah, yeah, but great — just one more thing that I’m worse at than a 12-year-old girl. Basketball, math, arm wrestling, pull-ups, bench press, not crying. – James Corden
We are so excited to be here at Universal Orlando for the opening of our new “Tonight Show” ride, “Race Through New York!” That’s right, we came all the way to Florida to go on a ride that makes us feel like we’re back in New York. – Jimmy Fallon
But not everyone’s so excited. When he heard I was getting my own ride, E.T. told me, “Stay in your lane, girl.” – Jimmy Fallon
I can’t get over how fun this has been. Flying to Florida and working one hour a day — now I know how it feels to be president! – Jimmy Fallon
I was thinking about doing something to my wife on April Fools’ Day but then I thought, you know what, tricking her into marrying me was more than enough prank. – Jimmy Kimmel
DoorDash is a food delivery service testing out a new method of delivery that uses robots to bring you your food. They’re offering it in California and Washington, D.C., right now. You use your app, you order food, and a robot in some cases will bring it right to you. It even acts surprised when you answer the door naked. It’s an amazing technology. – Jimmy Kimmel
Do [they] warn people that a robot is coming? Because you could open the door and go like, “Oh, my God, there’s a robot here” and potentially it could scare people, especially in states where marijuana is legal. – Jimmy Kimmel
