[Jokes from Mar. 29, 2017]
Today we learned that Trump is violating another norm because he won’t throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals’ opening day. I don’t know why. Maybe he’s worried his hands are too small to palm a baseball. – Stephen Colbert
President Trump turned down a chance to throw out the opening day pitch for the Washington Nationals. Turned it down! For some reason, Trump doesn’t want to be surrounded by a bunch of large Hispanic men holding baseball bats. – Conan O’Brien
Since Taft, every president, other than Jimmy Carter, has thrown out the first pitch of the season opener. For God’s sake. That means FDR did it! Let that sink in! Not only did FDR beat Hitler in World War II, he also struck him out. – Stephen Colbert
Here we go, America! Trump won’t throw out the first pitch. What else? He won’t go to the Correspondents’ Dinner. He won’t release his tax returns. He won’t put his business in a blind trust. He doesn’t want to live in D.C. What presidential tradition will Trump abandon next? This Thanksgiving, those turkeys better run. – Stephen Colbert
President Trump told senators yesterday that they would make a deal on healthcare because “that’s such an easy one.” OK, well, just make sure your healthcare plan covers amnesia. – Seth Meyers
In New York, Donald Trump’s childhood home has been sold for over $2 million. The buyer was told, “Imagine owning the very room where Trump’s daddy never hugged him.” – Conan O’Brien
First lady Melania Trump spoke today at the State Department. Well, technically, all she said was, “Sanctuary!” – Seth Meyers
In a new interview, Trump’s son-in-law and top adviser Jared Kushner said the government should be run like a company where the citizens are the customers. And people said, “Well, in that case we have a president we’d like to exchange.” – Jimmy Fallon
Crayola is retiring one of its 24 crayon colors for first time in 100 years. They’re announcing its replacement on Friday and they’re trying to make the new color a bit more relevant to 2017. For example, politics is dominating the news, so Crayola is considering “Presidential Orange.” – Jimmy Fallon
They might honor Trump’s entire cabinet with “Super White”. To honor the GOP healthcare bill there’s “Paul Ryan Blue-It.” Democrats are proposing the new color “Im-Peach-Ment.” They even let Education Secretary Betsy DeVos name her own crayon, “This Is the Chewiest Popsicle I’ve Ever Eaten Red.” – Jimmy Fallon
It’s come out that several of Donald Trump’s businesses have ties to the Russian mafia. So, if you’re keeping track, we’re officially up to season three of “The Sopranos” right now. – Conan O’Brien
Hillary Clinton is back in the news. She gave a big speech in San Francisco last night and encouraged her supporters to, “Resist, insist, persist and enlist.” And she pointed to herself and said, “Still pissed.” – Jimmy Fallon
Congress voted to allow internet service providers to sell their customers’ web data without permission. I’ll just give all the viewers at home a moment to clear their browser history. – James Corden
Anyone here use the internet? You might want to knock it off because Congress has now voted to allow internet providers sell your web-browsing history. Now might be a good time to clear your browser history. Just hit that button, or … pull the lever? I don’t know, I’ve never used it. I’ve got nothing to hide. I burned my computer this morning. – Stephen Colbert
Yesterday, the House of Representatives voted to get rid of internet privacy rules. Members cast their vote, then immediately ran home to delete their browser histories. – Conan O’Brien
I have to admit this does make me a little nervous. I thought my web data was strictly between me and the Domino’s pizza tracker app. – James Corden
Aren’t we passed this point now? Our phones are already spying on all of us. Today I just looked at a bowl of fruit and two minutes later my Facebook page was covered with ads for Banana Republic. – James Corden
This bill has been passed by the House and the Senate and will now go to Trump for signing. And Trump says he is going to sign it, because remember, privacy only matters when we are talking about his tax returns. – James Corden
Britain began the process of leaving the EU today, and the leader of the European Council responded to the move by saying, “I will not pretend I am happy.” Which makes sense, as that’s more of a British thing. – Seth Meyers
A new study reports that older women are doing more and more binge drinking. I asked my mom if that was true and she said, “I love you, man.” – Conan O’Brien
According to a new poll, President Vladimir Putin’s approval rating among Russians is above 80 percent. Of course, that’s largely because he conducted the poll in person. – Seth Meyers
Arby’s is facing multiple lawsuits currently, after a data breach exposed the credit card information of over 350,000 customers. The data breach could reveal potentially embarrassing information, like the fact that they ate at Arby’s. – Seth Meyers
