[Jokes from Mar. 27, 2017]
It was a tough weekend at the White House. After seven years of saying they were going to replace Obamacare, the Republican healthcare bill failed on Friday. It’s sad, isn’t it? Seven years. The Republicans couldn’t come up with a replacement for Obamacare in seven years. They made four “Fast & Furious” movies in that time. – James Corden
Well, congrats to President Trump on creating the least popular bill since Cosby. – Seth Meyers
The Washington Post says Paul Ryan actually got down on one knee to beg a congressman to support the healthcare bill. You think that’s bad — he showed up at another guy’s window with a boom box. (SINGS) “In your eyes, the light, the heat, in your eyes I am complete.” – Jimmy Fallon
The Republicans may have gotten a little ahead of themselves, because hours after the healthcare bill failed, there were actually commercials that aired on national television thanking congressional Republicans for passing the bill. The ad then went on to congratulate “La La Land” on their best picture Oscar. – James Corden
You know, you can see why they thought the bill would pass. Winning with less votes worked for Trump in November. – James Corden
Political analysts say that after their embarrassing loss on healthcare, the White House is desperately looking for a win. Which is why this week, they’re playing the Lakers. So that could work out. – Conan O’Brien
President Trump didn’t take any responsibility for the healthcare bill being pulled, but he did announce that he’s working on some new books based on his experience. Let’s take a look at some of the titles. First there’s “How to Lose Friends and Influence No One.” Next up there’s “The Giving Up Tree.” Then there’s “To Kill a Healthcare Bill.” And finally, “Oh, the Places You’ll Golf.” – Jimmy Fallon
President Trump yesterday made his 13th trip to a golf course since taking office. Hey man, you’re the president! My only job is making fun of you, and I don’t even have time to play golf. You play golf like you’re trying to complete a punch card. “One more and I get a free meatball sub.” – Seth Meyers
On Sunday, Fox News tweeted out a news alert that Donald Trump was spending the weekend working at the White House. Now this wasn’t just news, it was a news ALERT. Like: “This just in, the president is actually doing his job.” – James Corden
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said today that President Trump came to Washington “to get things done.” That’s why, five minutes into every meeting, he says, “Are we done?” – Seth Meyers
Joe Biden is now saying he regrets not running for president. And after last week, Donald Trump said he also regrets that Joe Biden didn’t run for president. – Conan O’Brien
A woman was arrested yesterday morning for trying to scale a White House fence for the second time in a week. The Secret Service said, “We wish you were living here, too, Mrs. Clinton, but you can’t keep doing that.” – Jimmy Fallon
It was announced that Canada plans to legalize marijuana by July of next year. It’s exciting for Americans because now they can add weed to the list of drugs they buy in Canada. – Jimmy Fallon
Officials in Colombia are angry at rapper Wiz Khalifa for smoking marijuana at the tomb of Pablo Escobar. The officials said marijuana has no place at this sacred monument to cocaine. – Conan O’Brien
Today was National Spanish Paella Day. Or as it’s called under the Trump administration, “clam rice.” – Seth Meyers
