[Jokes from Mar. 23, 2017]
The vote on the Republican healthcare bill was delayed today because they didn’t have enough votes to pass it. When he heard that, Obama called Trump and said, “Don’t worry, Obamacare covers depression. So don’t worry about it.” – Jimmy Fallon
The House did not vote on the Republicans’ Obamacare replacement bill today as expected. I guess they wanted to keep Obamacare until [shows photo of Trump] they can get this suspicious mole checked out. – Seth Meyers
On Capitol Hill today, one of the most dramatic episodes of “The Celebrity Appresident” yet: Republicans in the House were forced to postpone their vote on healthcare today because they cannot agree on what the plan should be, so it’s back to the drawing board. Unfortunately, Trump’s budget for education cut funding for drawing boards, so there’s no board for them to draw on. – Jimmy Kimmel
Today the House Republicans were furiously working to get enough votes to pass the healthcare bill to replace Obamacare. As it stands, they may not have enough, and the vote has been postponed. Right now, it’s not looking good. The bill is basically on life support — and like most things on life support, Republicans will probably deny it coverage. – James Corden
The president went all out for this bill, but hardline Republicans hated it because it offered too many benefits. Moderate Republicans hated it because it cut too many benefits. Hospitals hate it because they stand to lose money. Insurance companies hate it because it can blow up the markets, and voters hated it. Basically the only people who were OK with the plan were Donald Trump, Paul Ryan, and Chuck Berry. I happen to know that Chuck would have loved that joke, may he rest in peace. – Jimmy Kimmel
At one point, Congress was prepared to vote as late as 3:00 a.m. Congressmen called their wives, told them not wait up, then they called their mistresses and said, “See ya at 3:00!” – Jimmy Fallon
These congressmen are nervous because the Congressional Budget Office warned that “Trumpcare” could result in 24 million people becoming uninsured. Trump says the numbers were cooked up by the microwave that’s been spying on him at Trump Tower. – Jimmy Kimmel
Trump was on the phone last night until almost midnight, calling Republicans to try to switch their votes on the bill. All the calls started the same way: “You have a collect call from — don’t hang up, loser!” – Jimmy Fallon
Trump said the hardest part was talking on one phone and tweeting on the other. – Jimmy Fallon
Press secretary Sean Spicer said today that the White House was optimistic about the chances of the Republican healthcare bill, but, quote, “At the end of the day, we can’t make people vote.” [shows photo of Hillary] “Tell me about it,” said one woman. – Seth Meyers
Time magazine published an interview with Donald Trump and when they asked if he thought the false statements that he has made have damaged his reputation, Trump replied, “I can’t be doing so badly because I’m president and you’re not.” I’m president and you’re not — I told my 2-year-old daughter that, and she was like, “Dude, grow up.” – James Corden
In that interview, President Trump responded to questions about unsubstantiated claims he recently made, by saying, quote, “I can’t be doing so badly, because I’m president and you’re not.” OK, I didn’t mind when you talked dirty with Billy Bush, or told Russia to hack Hillary’s emails. [shows photo of Chevy Chase on ‘SNL’] But when you start stealing bits from “Weekend Update” anchors — it is ON! – Seth Meyers
Trump acts like anyone who is not the president is doing badly. I feel like we’re all doing pretty well, aren’t we? I try to look at the bright side. Yes, we’re not the president — but we’re also not being investigated by the FBI for treason. – James Corden
In a new interview, President Trump predicted he would pass Richard Nixon for most appearances on the cover of Time magazine. Hey, dude, do you know WHY Nixon was on the cover so many times? “They’re going to make so many documentaries about me. I’ll bet I even pass Charles Manson.” – Seth Meyers
Now on to some very, very incredibly important news tonight: There is a new set of emojis. They’re going to be released to smartphones in June. This new set will include a hedgehog, a puking face, a brain, and a merman. I’m not going to lie — the merman emoji is going to save me a ton of time. – James Corden
