[Jokes from Mar. 21, 2017]
FBI Director James Comey confirmed that the agency is examining possible ties between Russia and President Trump’s campaign. When asked if they’d found anything yet, Comey said [NODDING YES], “I can’t comment on an ongoing investigation.” – Jimmy Fallon
However, Comey refused to say whether Trump himself was being investigated. It’s part of his policy not to comment on ongoing investigations … that don’t involve Hillary Clinton. – Jimmy Fallon
As you’d expect, there’s a lot of material to go through, and Comey said there’s no timetable for when the FBI will finish. Then Putin said, “It’s like the ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ of investigations. When you think it will end … it does not.” – Jimmy Fallon
The Kremlin today dismissed allegations of Russia interference in the election, [shows photo of Trump] and so did the gremlin. – Seth Meyers
Ivanka Trump is reportedly getting an office in the White House in addition to security clearance and government-issued communication devices. Even more unbelievable, so is Donald Trump. – Seth Meyers
Ivanka Trump is getting an office at the White House and she’s getting top-level security clearance. She will take a position in the White House where she’ll draw upon her 20 years of foreign and domestic policy experience that she gained selling sandals to Nordstrom. – Jimmy Kimmel
Her office is on the second floor of the West Wing, not far from the Oval Office. I suspect they put her there so somebody can run and grab her in case her father decides to nuke anything. She might be the only one he’ll listen to. – Jimmy Kimmel
Ivanka Trump is getting an office in the West Wing despite previously stating she would not take a formal role in her father’s administration. The administration has said Ivanka is going to act as her father’s “eyes and ears”, which basically means she’s going to be walking around the White House saying, “I’m telling Dad!” – James Corden
I’m glad Ivanka is going to be her father’s “eyes and ears.” Now all we need is for her to take over his mouth, and his tweeting thumb. – James Corden
Her role is that she will serve as her father’s “eyes and ears” at the White House. He doesn’t need that. He needs somebody to be his thumbs so he can stop tweeting. – Jimmy Kimmel
Today is the 11th birthday of Twitter. That’s right folks, 11 years ago, Donald Trump was just writing crazy things on Post-It notes. – Conan O’Brien
Meanwhile, poor Tiffany Trump can’t even get the White House WiFi password. – Jimmy Kimmel
The president was in Louisville, Kentucky, last night. He held a rally there. Why, I’m not sure — he might be trying to sell hats he had left over from the campaign. – Jimmy Kimmel
In the meantime, Trump’s keeping busy. Today, he signed a bill authorizing nearly $20 billion in funding for NASA. You know — as long as they find a way to project his face onto the moon. – Jimmy Fallon
Today President Trump gave NASA $19.5 billion to develop a manned mission to Mars. President Trump said he wants to see if Mars can sustain life and a casino. – Conan O’Brien
President Trump signed a funding bill today that supports NASA’s efforts to explore deep space and lay the groundwork for a human mission to Mars. [shows photo of Hillary] “Ooh, me first!” said one volunteer. – Seth Meyers
It’s being reported that Donald Trump campaign adviser Roger Stone has a tattoo of Richard Nixon across his shoulders. And get this — ladies, he’s single. – Conan O’Brien
Disney World has agreed to pay $3.8 million to workers who were making less than minimum wage and had to pay for their own costumes. That works out to around $238 per person, which is almost enough to buy a bottle of water at Disney World. – James Corden
I guess at Disney World, if Cinderella loses her glass slipper, a prince doesn’t bring it to her. They just take it out of her next paycheck. – James Corden
Passengers on foreign airlines traveling to the U.S. from 10 airports in Muslim-majority countries have been barred from carrying electronic devices larger than a cellphone. Seems extreme, but it’s worth it if it stops even one tourist from taking pictures with an iPad. – Seth Meyers
A robot has been taught how to write rap songs by being fed more than 6,000 Kanye West lyrics. The problem is, now the robot thinks it’s God. – Conan O’Brien
