[Jokes from Mar. 16, 2017]
President Trump released his proposed budget today. The title of the budget is “America First: A Budget Blueprint to Make America Great Again.” Seems like maybe while they were cutting things, they could have cut a few words out of the title. – Jimmy Kimmel
President Trump’s proposed budget would cut funding for public broadcasting. Which may explain why Elmo is turning tickles on the street now. – Seth Meyers
There are a lot of cuts in the plan. PBS, Meals on Wheels, the National Endowment for the Arts would be cut. The guy who has three oil paintings of himself in his bathroom wants to cut the National Endowment for the Arts. Meals on Wheels is out, but don’t worry, the golf trips to Mar-a-Lago every weekend, those will not stop. – Jimmy Kimmel
Before he gets rid of “Sesame Street,” I think we should make the president watch it a couple of times. That show teaches so many things he needs to know — which thing is bigger than the other, how to spell, the importance of telling the truth and sharing, listening to others, maybe throw in some “Schoolhouse Rock” — he can find out how government works. – Jimmy Kimmel
Today was the start of March Madness. That’s right, President Trump released his new budget today. – Seth Meyers
There’s a lot of lead-up to March Madness, but for half the teams, the tournament ends very abruptly. Sixteen teams were eliminated today. Maybe you wanted to win, but the good news is, now you get to return to your studies. Which is why you go to college in the first place. – Jimmy Kimmel
You guys have all been watching the March Madness games — that’s why we’re on a little later tonight. So, drunk people just getting home: Welcome to the show. And senior citizens sitting down to breakfast: Good morning. – James Corden
They say American businesses will lose more than $2 billion in productivity because of the tournament. If that’s true, we should probably get rid of it, right? Can you imagine if Donald Trump canceled the NCAA tournament? Then we’d see some marches. – Jimmy Kimmel
Meanwhile, a federal judge in Hawaii blocked the president’s new travel ban, which is supposed to have gone into effect at midnight. That is really amazing to me — they have judges in Hawaii? – Jimmy Kimmel
It’s another setback for President Trump. Last night, a federal judge in Hawaii blocked a second version of his travel ban, and now Trump says that he’ll bring it to the Supreme Court. And if they block it, he said he’s going to bring it to the Justice League. – Jimmy Fallon
Technically right now is Friday, and that means today is St. Patrick’s Day. I read that Americans could spend over $5 billion for St. Patrick’s Day this year. Yeah, that’s JUST on bail money. – James Corden
It is almost St. Patrick’s Day. I saw that today, Ireland’s prime minister visited the White House and gave Trump a bowl filled with shamrocks. And Trump was like, “Where are the tiny marshmallows? How am I supposed to eat this without any milk?” – Jimmy Fallon
Trump met with the prime minister of Ireland. He even recited an Irish proverb. Take a listen to this [clip of Trump reciting]: “Always remember to forget the friends that proved untrue, but never forget to remember those that have stuck by you.” [Fallon imitates Trump:] “I do not like the judge who blocked my travel ban. I do not like him, Trump I am.” – Jimmy Fallon
While he was in Tennessee yesterday, Trump gave a speech from the estate of former President Andrew Jackson. Trump may have been confused because he also praised Andrew Jackson’s brothers Michael, Jermaine, Randy, and Tito. – Jimmy Fallon
The live action version of “Beauty and the Beast” opens tomorrow. It’s the story of a beautiful woman from a small village who falls for a selfish, disgusting monster who lives in a palace filled with gold. Melania Trump is calling it the feel-good movie of the year. – Jimmy Kimmel
On Thursday morning, the Twitter account for McDonald’s tweeted this: “Donald Trump, you are actually a disgusting excuse of a president and we would love to have Barack Obama back, also you have tiny hands.” Who would have thought? Now it turned out that the account was hacked, but still, I’ve got to say: Ba-da-ba-ba-bah, I’m lovin’ it. – James Corden
McDonald’s said today its corporate Twitter account had been hacked after a tweet went out calling President Trump a “disgusting excuse of a president.” I guess breakfast isn’t the ONLY thing they’re serving all day. – Seth Meyers
Even though McDonald’s deleted the tweet and issued a retraction, the White House is furious. And they are already calling for Mayor McCheese to step down. – James Corden
President Trump yesterday suggested that Chief of Staff Reince Priebus might someday run a car company. Oh my God, does Trump think his name is Prius? – Seth Meyers
In an interview yesterday with Fox News, President Trump said he might not be president if it wasn’t for Twitter. Dude, you said that to Fox News? That’s like telling your dad that your hero is your friend’s dad. – Seth Meyers
Meanwhile, yesterday Trump’s Attorney General Jeff Sessions referred to marijuana as, quote, “only slightly less awful than heroin.” Only slightly less awful — I mean, is he on crack? – James Corden
Workers at a Goodwill store in Washington state got a big surprise when they opened a donated cooler and inside they found $24,000 worth of marijuana. GOODwill? More like AWESOMEwill. – James Corden
In Monroe, Washington, there’s a mystery to be solved. Someone made a very unique donation to the Goodwill store up there — a cooler containing five large bags of marijuana, weighing a total of 60 ounces. Almost four pounds, like $20,000 worth of pot, was left in; they assume it was left in there by mistake. What are the odds a pot smoker would forget he stashed weed in a cooler? – Jimmy Kimmel
There were five giant bags of marijuana in the cooler. And when he found them, the Goodwill worker immediately turned over the three bags he found to the police. The police then gave the 1 ounce of marijuana they found to the chief, who went to the commissioner and said, “Look, we found a joint!” – James Corden
Hillary Clinton is reportedly still considering a run for mayor of New York City. And, weirdly, this time she IS campaigning in Michigan and Wisconsin. Fool me once, right? – Seth Meyers
