[Jokes from Mar. 15, 2017]
Last night at around 7:30, our friend Rachel Maddow unleashed a Force 5 tweeticon with: “We’ve got Trump tax returns. Tonight, 9 p.m., MSNBC. Seriously.” So important for news networks to add “seriously” to any announcement, so the audience knows you’re not pranking them. – Stephen Colbert
On Twitter yesterday Rachel Maddow wrote, “I have Trump’s tax returns, I will be revealing them on-air.” Of course everyone went nuts. This is how crazy he’s made us. We’re rushing to our TVs screaming, “Quick! Rachel Maddow’s about to show a 1040 form!” – Jimmy Kimmel
The show starts, she does a 19-minute-long monologue about why it’s important to see a president’s tax returns, then says, “We’ll see Donald Trump’s taxes after this.” She Ryan Seacrested us! – Jimmy Kimmel
We have Rachel Maddow on the show tonight! Rachel’s in the news because she got ahold of Donald Trump’s 2005 tax return on her show. But a lot of people were saying it didn’t really show much. So I guess last night, people had to pick between watching “This Is Us” or “This Is Nothing”. – Jimmy Fallon
We all watched the Twitter feed. And when 9 p.m. came, Rachel took us on an emotional roller coaster — because, like a roller coaster, at the end we were all right back where we started, and feeling a little queasy. – Stephen Colbert
First, she let us know just how much information she had. Then after 20 minutes of explaining what taxes are and who Donald Trump is, Maddow was ready show us the tax return. “We’ll go through it next.” What! A cliffhanger? Is this news or a reality show? I don’t want to watch “America’s Got 1040s”. – Stephen Colbert
Rachel Maddow’s much-hyped release of Donald Trump’s 2005 tax returns last night was considered by many to be a letdown. No one’s been this disappointed by Rachel Maddow since the guy who took her to the prom. – Conan O’Brien
Rachel Maddow aired an exclusive report last night uncovering a portion of President Trump’s 2005 tax return. Specifically the part where he claimed Ivanka and Donald Jr. as dependents and tried to write off Eric as a loss. – Seth Meyers
Last night, President Trump’s tax return from 2005 was released, showing that he paid $38 million in taxes. Trump would have paid more, but he listed Vladimir Putin as a dependent. – Conan O’Brien
According to the first two pages, Trump made $150 million in income, paid $38 million in taxes in 2005. Some people were surprised he paid any taxes at all. 2005 was an off year for everyone. Johnny Depp made that Willy Wonka movie. Kanye West and George Bush had that problem. Harry Potter’s goblet caught on fire. And Donald Trump accidentally paid some taxes. – Jimmy Kimmel
Maddow also reported last night that President Trump claimed over $100 million in business losses in 2005. How do you lose $100 million in 2005? Did you buy stock in Heidi Montag? – Seth Meyers
Meanwhile, the White House is also criticizing Rachel Maddow, saying it’s “totally illegal to steal and publish tax returns.” They said the documents should be released the proper way: by having a Russian hacker give them to WikiLeaks. – Jimmy Fallon
Here’s the thing: Donald Trump is never going to release his taxes — or the kraken, or Melania, for that matter. – Jimmy Kimmel
Last night, President Trump’s tax return from 2005 was released, showing that he had an income of more than $150 million. When they heard this, Trump supporters said, “$150 million? See, he IS one of us!” – Conan O’Brien
I want to send a warm welcome to those of you watching on the East Coast, where Winter Storm Stella has not been as terrible as everyone seemed to think it would be. This was supposed to be a huge storm. Then Rachel Maddow talked about it on MSNBC for an hour and it turned out to be nothing. – Jimmy Kimmel
The only result of what happened last night is Rachel Maddow topped Rosie O’Donnell as Donald Trump’s least-favorite lesbian. – Jimmy Kimmel
Defense Secretary James “Mad Dog” Mattis said climate change is real and threatening global stability. He then asked that his nickname be changed to “Reasonable Dog”. – Conan O’Brien
A White House aide says that when he gets home, he turns off his work phone and puts it in a drawer because he’s afraid it can listen to him. Meanwhile when she gets home, Kellyanne Conway hides her microwave in the closet. – Jimmy Fallon
Today was Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s 84th birthday. I don’t know how she celebrated, but I hope it was carefully. – Seth Meyers
Russia may have trouble getting athletes to compete in the 2018 Olympics after their big doping scandal. People were confused — they were like, “You can rig an ELECTION, but not a urine test?” – Jimmy Fallon
El Chapo’s lawyers say that while in U.S. custody, his health is deteriorating. El Chapo has lost so much weight, he’s down two tunnel sizes. – Conan O’Brien
A woman on flight from Beijing to Melbourne had her headphones in, then her headphones exploded. They went up in flames. They’re not sure if it was due to a defect in the headphones or the batteries were bad or if she was just listening to a really good song. The worst part is she still has no idea how “Moana” ends. – Jimmy Kimmel
Adult website PornHub offered free snow removal during the blizzard yesterday to people in Boston and New Jersey. They cleared your sidewalk, your driveway, and your browser history. – Seth Meyers
