[Jokes from Mar. 14, 2017]
President Trump yesterday described the discussions over the Republican health plan as a, quote, “big, fat, beautiful negotiation.” Well, he’s making progress. It’s the first time he’s ever described anything as fat AND beautiful. – Seth Meyers
The entire Northeast is being hit by Winter Storm Stella, the first blizzard of 2017. Of course, now that Obamacare is getting repealed, it’s nice to see something’s still covering half the country. – Conan O’Brien
We were supposed to get up to 2 feet of snow, but it turned to sleet early — just cold and brittle, right in your face. It reminded me of Kellyanne Conway. – Stephen Colbert
Thousands of flights were canceled today due to a powerful winter storm. Either that or Trump’s new travel ban is for all of us. – Seth Meyers
If you are away on spring break, have fun, do whatever you need to do. Don’t forget Congress is about to take away your healthcare, so if you’re going to do something dumb, do it now while it’s still covered. – Jimmy Kimmel
Last night was the big finale of “The Bachelor.” Nick wound up getting engaged to Vanessa, a teacher from Canada. Nick didn’t plan on marrying Vanessa, but after seeing the GOP healthcare plan, moving to Canada was the logical decision. – Jimmy Fallon
But despite the engagement, it’s hard to say what Nick’s future holds, if you think about it. I mean, he’s a reality star who has married an immigrant he barely knows and — oh, my God, he’s going to be president of the United States. – Jimmy Fallon
Last night was the season finale of ABC’s “The Bachelor.” And tonight is the season premiere of “The Bachelor” spinoff, “Herpes in Paradise.” So check that out. It’s a good one. – Conan O’Brien
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced yesterday that Donald Trump would be donating his presidential salary to a charity at the end of the year. Credit where credit is due — Trump is getting pretty creative in the ways he’s refusing to pay his taxes. – James Corden
Spicer said not only will Trump donate his salary, he would love for White House reporters to determine “where it should go”. Unfortunately, where they suggested it should go is not a place that I can say on television. – James Corden
But seriously, how great would it be if the reporters all chose Planned Parenthood? – James Corden
A woman confronted White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer in an Apple Store this weekend. Not sure where he was in the Apple Store, but safe to say, not at the Genius Bar. – Seth Meyers
Press Secretary Sean Spicer says that President Trump didn’t literally mean that President Obama wiretapped him. He also said Donald Trump didn’t literally mean for people to vote for him. That was not the idea. – Conan O’Brien
Trump’s adviser, Kellyanne Conway, gave a TV interview on Sunday and people noticed that she displays a photo of herself in her living room. This is true. Take a look at the photo just there. Wow, her microwave takes great pictures! – James Corden
Who has a framed picture of themselves, on their own, in their living room? She should change her name from Kellyanne Conway to Kellyanne Kanye. – James Corden
White House strategist Steve Bannon is under criminal investigation for voter fraud. Reportedly he voted last year in Florida while still technically a resident of 1930s Germany. Can’t have it both ways. – Conan O’Brien
It came out last night that Rex Tillerson used an email alias while he was CEO of Exxon to discuss climate change on the sly. So in the Trump administration, you can be a sexist, or a white supremacist, but you’re gonna want to keep your science talk on the D.L. – Stephen Colbert
Vladimir Putin is reportedly frustrated by the lack of progress in U.S.-Russian diplomacy since President Trump took office. He’s not happy. In fact, Putin is so frustrated, today he called Trump and threatened to fire him. – Conan O’Brien
Today, President Trump had lunch with a Saudi prince. Trump told the Saudi prince, “We have a lot in common. My wife doesn’t leave the house, either.” – Conan O’Brien
I read about a marijuana dispensary in Los Angeles that doubles as an art gallery. Yep. Patrons stare at the art for hours before being told, “Sir, that’s an exit sign.” – Jimmy Fallon
An Ohio couple was arrested for faking their own murder. People grew suspicious when the couple changed their Facebook status to “We’ve been murdered.” Sad! – Conan O’Brien
An Oregon man led police on a 10-mile, high-speed chase on Sunday in a stolen street sweeper truck. On the bright side, by the time he was arrested, his community service was done. – Seth Meyers
Every year they do studies about all the money companies lose because their employees are watching the basketball tournament instead of working. That may have been true in 1995, but if your employees are wasting time watching basketball, they’d be wasting time on Instagram and Facebook. That’s just how it is. Wasting time is our full-time job now. – Jimmy Kimmel
New research just came out that finds that consuming potatoes and alcohol can lower your sperm count. So, fellas, this St. Patrick’s Day could be our last. – Conan O’Brien
Police in South Carolina charged a substitute teacher last week for allegedly being drunk while in class. Students realized she was drunk after she kept referring to lunch period as “Miller time.” – Seth Meyers
