[Jokes from Mar. 9, 2017]
New research says that Neanderthals used to relieve pain by chewing on a plant containing the main ingredient in aspirin. Or as that’s now being called, “the Republican healthcare plan.” – Conan O’Brien
The GOP’s new healthcare bill cleared its first hurdle early this morning, when it was passed by the House Ways and Means Committee, after roughly 18 hours of debate. And anyone who’s spent 18 hours trying to pass something knows what you get at the end. – Stephen Colbert
Apparently, members were up until 4:00 a.m., which might explain why things got a little loopy. – Stephen Colbert
President Trump is working to drum up support from Republicans for the Obamacare replacement they’ve been working on. Tonight, he invited 100 of them to come bowling at the White House. For real, it’s a pizza and bowling night, part of what they’re calling the president’s charm offensive. He can be very charming AND very offensive. So he puts those together. – Jimmy Kimmel
Like these late night musings from Rep. Jason Smith: “You could tax a lot of different items if you want to stop behavior. You know, I love ice cream. Ice cream is probably not the healthiest thing to eat. Why is there not a tax on that? You know what, if you look at the No. 1 cause of skin cancer, it is not tanning beds. Do a Google search: It is the sun. Why have they not proposed a tax on the sun?” – Stephen Colbert
So if you’re worried about losing your healthcare, don’t worry! It’s safely in the hands of the guy who’s up all night googling “why don’t we tax the sun?” – Stephen Colbert
Today, Scott Pruitt, the new head of the Environmental Protection Agency, went against the entire scientific community by saying that carbon dioxide is not a primary contributor to global warning. I will go out on a limb here and say that this guy may not be the best choice to head up the EPA. Because not only can he not see the forest through the trees, he wants to cut down all the trees and build a Cinnabon. – James Corden
In other recent appointment news, Donald Trump elected his ambassador to Russia — former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman. This is great news for Trump. He finally has someone in his administration who is actually supposed to meet with the Russians. – James Corden
Jon Huntsman’s first job as ambassador will be to exchange gifts with his Russian counterpart. And that’s tough, because what do you give somebody who already gave you the White House? You can’t just hand over an edible arrangement. – James Corden
The people are really excited about this appointment. There is even going to be a movie about Jon Huntsman joining the Trump administration. It’s called “So White and the Huntsman,” coming soon to an IMAX near you. – James Corden
Disney has announced that its upcoming live-action “Aladdin” movie is going to feature Middle Eastern actors. Filming will begin in May, or whenever the actors are no longer detained at the airport. – Conan O’Brien
Hawaii is suing President Trump over his latest travel ban. In response, President Trump is suing Hawaii for “being hard to spell”. – Conan O’Brien
For the second time, RadioShack has filed for bankruptcy. Experts say if RadioShack goes bankrupt one more time, it can officially run for president. – Conan O’Brien
Many years after dropping out of Harvard, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is going back to get an honorary degree. Zuckerberg said he would have gone back sooner, but even he can’t afford college these days. – Conan O’Brien
I thought we might start the show with a little bit of geography. So here’s a map of the United States [showing] the most sexually diseased states. Now, as a general rule, the state with the most STDs is traditionally whichever state where “The Bachelor” is shooting, but not in this case. – Jimmy Kimmel
California finished 16th, which is better than I thought we would do. You know, Charlie Sheen lives here. – Jimmy Kimmel
But the No. 1 most sexually diseased state is, fortunately, not attached to us. It is Alaska. And the reason they have the most STDs in Alaska is, have you ever tried to open a condom while you’re wearing mittens? – Jimmy Kimmel
But it’s a serious thing, and the Centers for Disease Control reminds you, still the best way to avoid contracting an STD is to get really into Dungeons and Dragons in high school. – Jimmy Kimmel
