[Jokes from Mar. 8, 2017]
Today’s the day when we celebrate women, a lot of women going on strike today, and they’re calling it “A Day Without Women.” Or as it is known in the Trump White House, a day. – James Corden
For President Trump, every day is a day without a woman because his wife still lives in New York. At the White House, you know, a day without a woman is also called a Cabinet meeting. – Jimmy Kimmel
President Trump wrote some beautiful things about women today. He tweeted, “I have tremendous respect for women and the many roles they serve. They are vital to the fabric of our society and our economy.” He didn’t write that. But that’s nice. No way he wrote that. I don’t know if Ivanka had his phone today or what. – Jimmy Kimmel
Today for International Women’s Day, women across the country protested by refusing to work. That’s a true story. That’s what happened today. In fact, earlier today Siri told me, “Look it up yourself, [bleep].” And then slapped me. – Conan O’Brien
I’ll admit I’m not exactly clear on what “A Day Without a Woman” is supposed to mean, exactly. Women make up half the population, of course a day without them is going to be a mess. It seems like that goes without saying, right? Does anyone — hold on a second. Let me find out here. [takes out iPhone] Siri, what is “A Day Without a Woman?” [Siri audio:] “I’m sorry, I don’t work for you today. Go [bleep] yourself.” – Jimmy Kimmel
I want to take a moment to recognize and acknowledge International Women’s Day, which was marked today with a march on Washington, D.C., and a nationwide protest that was titled “A Day Without a Woman”. The idea was to show the world what it would be like without women. I’ll tell you something, I have some experience in this area. I went years without a woman. It was terrible, I don’t recommend it. – Jimmy Kimmel
Last night in New York City, the Statue of Liberty went dark for an hour due to an unplanned power outage. So it looks like New York got a head start on their “Day Without Women.” Of course, when Trump heard there was a dark woman from France outside New York City, he immediately tried to have her deported. – James Corden
When asked for an official statement, the statue just said that she wanted some me time. – James Corden
In honor of International Women’s Day, Snapchat added famous women to their selfie lenses. Snapchat called it the perfect way to honor the enduring contributions of women for 10 seconds. – Conan O’Brien
According to a recent poll, first lady Melania Trump’s approval rating has increased to 52 percent since President Trump’s inauguration. And her “feel sorry for her rating” is over 90 percent. – Conan O’Brien
At the White House yesterday, President Trump popped out from behind a screen and surprised a group of children. It was officially the least frightening thing Trump has done since he took office. – Conan O’Brien
Another big story today is that WikiLeaks has published thousands of CIA documents detailing the agency’s secret hacking capabilities. The CIA is furious. They say armed with this information, anyone could hack the U.S. Now I’m not too worried about this. I mean what’s the worst thing that could happen? Russians hack the election and make a reality TV star the president, I mean — come on. – James Corden
The leak described a project called Weeping Angel that allows spy agencies to turn smart TVs into listening devices. I love the name Weeping Angels, don’t you? Sounds like an ’80s metal hair band. Good evening, Cleveland, we are Weeping Angels! – James Corden
But this is serious, guys. Any smart TV could be a listening device. You guys, you realize they could be recording us right now. I don’t want this getting out there where the public can see it. That’s why I make a TV show at 12:37 a.m. – James Corden
A group of Republicans revealed their plan to repeal and replace Obamacare. Pete Sessions has a healthcare plan of his own. I do know a catchy title when I see one. He calls it — this is 100 percent real — he calls it the world’s greatest healthcare plan of 2017. You can’t vote no on the world’s greatest healthcare plan of 2017. You’d have to be an idiot. This guy is smart. – Jimmy Kimmel
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Day 3 of “Healthcare Plan 2: Repeal and Revenge — This Time It’s Republican.” It took the GOP forever to release this thing. They’re the George R.R. Martins of health care. And just like in “Game of Thrones,” a lot of your favorite characters are going to die without warning. – Stephen Colbert
You want to get Donald Trump’s attention? Just say something is the best. His hotel, the greatest. The hotels are the greatest, the vodka was the greatest, steaks of the best. If he finds out this healthcare plan is the greatest, he might even, I don’t know, marry it or something. – Jimmy Kimmel
A new study reveals Americans are getting fatter and giving up on their diets. The study was conducted by going to a water park for five minutes. – Conan O’Brien
Researchers have developed a new smart tattoo that can monitor your health. There’s also a smart tramp stamp that will tell you you have chlamydia. – Conan O’Brien
Trump’s No. 1 concern right now is securing our borders, and we finally know how he’s going to pay for it, because according to the Office of Management and Budget, Trump plans “deep cuts in airport and rail security.” That is shocking — there’s such a thing as rail security? If so, they should investigate Amtrak bathrooms. Those things look like a crime scene. – Stephen Colbert
But when it comes to cutbacks, “the Coast Guard would bear the brunt, seeing its budget cut by $1.3 billion.” The Coast Guard? Who does Trump think protects the waters around Mar-a-Lago, laser-sighted manatees? – Stephen Colbert
Trump’s paying for his immigration program by cutting funds to the Coast Guard, airport and rail security. Great. So, we’re fine as long as nobody tries to get into America by sea, air, or land. – Stephen Colbert
Yesterday the New York Times revealed Trump had a meeting in the Oval Office last week with Harvey Levin from TMZ. The owner and public face of the news organization best known for screaming questions at drunk celebrities on the sidewalk met with the president of the United States for an hour last week. What could those two possibly need to talk about for an hour? Is there a terrorist plot against Taylor Swift we need to know about? Is ISIS after Louis from One Direction? – Jimmy Kimmel
