[Jokes from Mar. 7, 2017]
Yesterday, House Republicans unveiled their new healthcare plan intended to replace Obamacare. Oh yeah, it’s brilliant. The previous healthcare plan was nicknamed “Obamacare,” and if this new plan doesn’t work, it will be nicknamed “Obama’s Fault”. – James Corden
House Republicans have unveiled their much-anticipated new healthcare plan that’s supposed to replace Obamacare. Here’s what we know about it so far: The new plan stresses personal responsibility. For too long Americans have relied on other people, like doctors and nurses, for their healthcare. – Jimmy Kimmel
This is already making a little bit of controversy. Jason Chaffetz says poor people need to choose between healthcare or a new iPhone. And just like a Samsung Galaxy 7, that comment blew up in his face. – James Corden
Did I hear him correctly? Is he saying health insurance costs the same as a phone? Hey Jason, a phone isn’t supposed to literally cost you an arm and a leg. His comment was cold. Even Siri was like, “Are you not a human being?” – James Corden
But the real problem is he’s talking to the American people like he’s talking to his own kids. “Well, maybe if you mowed lawns over the summer like I told you, you could afford that new kidney that you wanted.” – James Corden
This week, Wisconsin is hosting the U.S. Cheese Championship. Once again, the winner is expected to be “Heart Disease”. – Conan O’Brien
At the White House today, President Trump gave advice to a group of schoolchildren and he told them to “work hard”. Trump also told them, “If your dad offers you a million dollars, say yes.” – Conan O’Brien
Today, President Trump welcomed the first group of new visitors to the White House since he became president. It was a little awkward, because one of them was Melania. – Conan O’Brien
Let’s talk now about the issue that’s really tearing America apart: Donald Trump’s tie. Yesterday new photos surfaced that show Donald Trump holds his tie together with Scotch tape. Is that what he meant when he said Obama was taping him? – James Corden
Sean Spicer announced that the prime minister of Iraq will visit the White House in two weeks. Actually he arrived today, but he’s going to be detained for two weeks at the airport. – Conan O’Brien
I hate to bring anybody down but I have a little pin to put in our collective balloon. U.S. News and World Report released their annual ranking of the best countries in the world, and the United States — you know how we always say we’re No. 1? Turns out we’re not No. 1. That honor goes to Switzerland. Switzerland was named the best country in the world, based on several factors including power, quality of life, economic influence, and tiny little army knife production. – Jimmy Kimmel
The U.S. dropped from fourth to seventh. Canada is No. 2. Which I think means we’re going to have to build a wall up there too, I’m sorry. – Jimmy Kimmel
Sweden came in sixth. One ahead of us, Sweden — which, come on. There’s no way we rank below a country where you have to assemble your own furniture. I just don’t buy it. – Jimmy Kimmel
Tomorrow, there’s a protest across the country known as “A Day Without Women”. In fairness, I celebrated “A Day Without Women” all through my 20s. – Conan O’Brien
