[Jokes from Mar. 2, 2017]
Attorney General Jeff Sessions is in trouble because he was caught lying under oath about contacting the Russians during the election. When asked if the allegations were true, Sessions said, “Absolutely nyet.” – Conan O’Brien
Attorney General Jeff Sessions recused himself from any investigations into Trump’s ties with Russia. But he still claims he did not lie under oath. Then he said, “I’m not under oath right now, am I?” – Jimmy Fallon
Attorney General Jeff Sessions held a press conference today and recused himself from any Department of Justice investigations into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia. Said Trump, “May I also be recused?” – Seth Meyers
Despite the allegations, President Trump said he has “total confidence” in Jeff Sessions. In other words, Trump’s waiting until the weekend to fire him. – Conan O’Brien
As you’d expect, many people are very upset with Jeff Sessions. But White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said that when Sessions denied having contact with Russia, he was being “100 percent straight”. Even Mike Pence was like, “C’mon, no one is 100 percent straight.” – Jimmy Fallon
The Senate today confirmed former Texas Gov. Rick Perry to lead the Energy Department. “That poor son of a b—h,” said Rick Perry, before realizing HE was Rick Perry. – Seth Meyers
The Senate today also confirmed Ben Carson as secretary of Housing and Urban Development. The news came as a surprise to Carson, who thought he dreamed it. – Seth Meyers
Apparently, House Republicans are keeping their Obamacare replacement bill hidden in a basement in Congress, and other lawmakers can’t get to it. Then Nicolas Cage was like, “Don’t worry, you guys — I got this! I gotta break through the dome and find the hidden treasure!” – Jimmy Fallon
According to Politico, during a recent White House communications staff meeting, press secretary Sean Spicer made a deputy communications director cry. To be fair, all he said was, “Wanna hang out later?” – Seth Meyers
A new financial app from JP Morgan can now do in seconds what it once took Wall Street financiers 360,000 hours to accomplish. That’s right, the app wrecks the global economy. – Conan O’Brien
Snapchat’s IPO launched on the stock market yesterday. Or, to put it another way, something that your parents don’t understand just launched on something YOU don’t understand. – Jimmy Fallon
The accountants at PriceWaterhouseCoopers who botched the Oscars have received death threats. The FBI tried to investigate, but the accountants handed them the wrong hate mail. – Conan O’Brien
Taco Bell has announced that it is creating a hybrid of its Quesalupas and Doritos Locos Tacos, called the Doritos Quesalupa Crunch. Of course, if you can say that, you’re probably not drunk enough to eat it. – Seth Meyers
One of the biggest viral sensations right now is a YouTube livestream of a pregnant giraffe waiting to give birth. The cutest part is when she tells the father giraffe, “You did this to me, now put down that goddamn camera.” – Conan O’Brien
