[Jokes from Feb 15, 2017]
The big story is that last night, The New York Times published a bombshell report that President Trump’s campaign was in contact with Russian intelligence since 2015. When asked if it was true, Trump said, “Nyet! I mean, no!” – Jimmy Fallon
We just learned from multiple intelligence sources that Trump aides were, quote, “in constant touch with senior Russian officials during the campaign.” Constant Touch, by the way, is also Trump’s Secret Service code name. – Stephen Colbert
Defense officials are reporting that a Russian spy ship has been spotted patrolling 30 miles off the coast of the United States. Said one U.S. official [shows photo of Trump], “Oh, that’s my Uber.” – Seth Meyers
Trump held a press conference today because in the middle of all this insanity, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu visited the White House. As a courtesy, Trump asked his staff to put a 24-hour hold on retweeting neo-Nazis. That’s just good manners. – Stephen Colbert
Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said today that there is no greater supporter of the Jewish state than President Trump. Said Trump, “Absolutely, I love Florida. Fantastic Jewish state.” – Seth Meyers
Trump went on Twitter this morning and said that MSNBC and CNN are unwatchable. Then he said, “And I know, because I spend ALL DAY watching them.” – Jimmy Fallon
This afternoon, we learned that Trump’s secretary of labor nominee, Andy Puzder, has withdrawn his nomination. Just to be clear, this is not a scandal. He says he just wants to spend more time with Michael Flynn. – Stephen Colbert
The CEO of Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr. [Puzder] was controversial for many reasons. He had an undocumented housekeeper, made ads that famously objectified women, and called his own fast food employees “the worst of the worst”. That’s not right. Hardee’s employees are great. It’s the food that’s the worst of the worst. – Stephen Colbert
A new report finds that over 55,000 bridges in the U.S. were found to have major structural problems last year. When asked how they’re going to fix them, the government was like, “Eh, we’ll cross that gaping hole when we get to it.” – Jimmy Fallon
