[Jokes from Feb. 2, 2017]
Today is Groundhog Day, and Punxsutawney Phil came out of his burrow, and was immediately captured and detained for extreme vetting. Things have changed since last year, Phil. — Seth Meyers
Today was Groundhog Day, the day where we predict six more weeks of winter if the groundhog sees his shadow. The groundhog has been predicting weather since 1887 and has been wrong 61 percent of the time. And yet, this is still front-page news every year. So I guess fake news isn’t a recent phenomenon. – James Corden
You know that this isn’t actually based on any science, right? And for that reason, Donald Trump has just appointed the groundhog to a special committee on climate change. – James Corden
That’s right, today was Groundhog Day. The groundhog looked down and saw six more executive orders. — Seth Meyers
Today is Groundhog Day. Punxsutawney Phil came out and saw his shadow, which means Trump is going to start fights with six more countries. – Jimmy Fallon
Happy Groundhog Day! I don’t know if you saw the late-breaking news, but today America’s foremost psychic rodent, Punxsutawney Phil, came out of his hole and indeed saw his shadow. So the bad news is six more weeks of winter. The good news — we have six more weeks! — Stephen Colbert
Trump is causing all kinds of trouble this week. In fact, Israel just had to apologize to Mexico, after their prime minister tweeted support for Trump’s border wall. So not only has Trump failed to solve the Middle East conflict, somehow he’s dragged Mexico in the middle of it. – Jimmy Fallon
President Trump today had lunch with Harley Davidson executives. Oh, I guess that’s why he was wearing that helmet. “I want a motorcycle helmet — gold, no strap.” — Seth Meyers
According to President Trump’s doctor, Trump takes four different pills every day. Well, it’s actually one pill cut into four pieces that are small enough for him to hold. — Seth Meyers
On Saturday, our president spoke with Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull and lashed out at Turnbull on the phone call. Please don’t pick a fight with Australia! They’ll cut off our supply of Uggs, koala jerky, and Hugh Jackman. — Stephen Colbert
Trump was upset about a previous agreement for the U.S. to accept over 1,000 refugees being held in Australia, tweeting, “Do you believe it? The Obama administration agreed to take thousands of illegal immigrants from Australia. Why? I will study this dumb deal!” What? Don’t you know humanitarian aid is not a deal? UNICEF doesn’t go to refugee camps and say, “All right, I’ll trade you this bag of rice for your juice box and a Captain America pencil.” — Stephen Colbert
Analysts are noting that Instagram is the only major social media network where President Trump does not have a strong presence. Yeah, he’s got more of a face for Twitter. — Seth Meyers
White House press secretary Sean Spicer announced that four reporters would receive Skype seats for press briefings rather than being there in person. Spicer said he picked the four reporters at random. Then said: “CNN, BuzzFeed, The New York Times, and Telemundo.” Just random names. – Jimmy Fallon
President Trump spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast this morning. Of course, ever since he was elected, every breakfast is a prayer breakfast. “Please, God, don’t let these be my last Froot Loops.” — Seth Meyers
The government in France has instituted a national ban on refills for sugary soft drinks. That’s right, it’s illegal to refill your soda but don’t worry, you are still allowed to mime getting a refill. – James Corden
Two students in England were hospitalized after taking part in a caffeine research study where they were accidentally given the equivalent of 300 cups of coffee. This accident resulted from putting a decimal point in the wrong place. And the lab technician responsible said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t have my morning coffee.” – James Corden
It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones. Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy. – Jimmy Fallon
A study was conducted which examined dogs’ responses to different genres of music. The study has found the music dogs love the most was reggae music. They saw a huge change in dogs after playing them reggae music. Meanwhile, a different study has found that cats still hate everything. – James Corden
