[Jokes from Feb. 1, 2017]
Last night, President Trump nominated Colorado Appeals Judge Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court. That’s right, he’s from Colorado. Which explains his most famous case, Regular Funyuns v. Flamin’ Hot Funyuns: “I hereby rule that they’re both awesome.” – Jimmy Fallon
Ahead of last night’s big Supreme Court announcement, President Trump brought both of his top two candidates to the White House. Trump said, “One of you will be the nominee, the other will go home crying in the back of a limo.” – Jimmy Fallon
We’re now learning a little bit more about Neil Gorsuch. For instance, I read that he actually has a barn where he raises horses, chickens, and goats. That experience will come in handy when he spends the rest of his life side-stepping all the crap in Washington. – Jimmy Fallon
In New York City, two supermodels joined a protest against Donald Trump’s Muslim ban. After hearing this, Trump said, “Maybe I should rethink things.” – Conan O’Brien
President Trump referred to CNN as “fake news” during a Black History Month event, today. Said CNN, “No, it really is Black History Month.” – Seth Meyers
Guys, it is the first day of February. Which of course is the shortest month, with just 28 days — as opposed to January, which felt like it had 200. – Jimmy Fallon
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie yesterday slammed the rollout of President Trump’s executive order on immigration, saying it was terrible. Christie added, “It was the worst rollout since that time I got stuck in a hammock.” – Seth Meyers
It’s rumored that Melania Trump has decided not to live in the White House at all. Man, Donald Trump is keeping immigrants away left and right. – Conan O’Brien
Former President Obama was spotted on vacation in the Virgin Islands yesterday, wearing a backwards baseball cap and flip-flops, and completely ignoring the Bat Signal. – Seth Meyers
Scientists have discovered a long-lost continent under the Indian Ocean. After hearing about it, half of Americans asked, “When can we move there?” – Conan O’Brien
Hillary Clinton is reportedly writing a book of personal essays due to be released this fall. It will be the first political memoir written entirely in all caps. – Seth Meyers
It was announced that Hillary Clinton will deliver the commencement speech at Wellesley College. The title of Hillary’s speech will be “What’s the Point of Anything?” – Conan O’Brien
Hillary Clinton will be the 2017 commencement speaker at Wellesley College — while Joe Biden is getting ready for freshman orientation at UMass. – Seth Meyers
CNN will host a debate next week between Sens. Ted Cruz and Bernie Sanders. They’re calling it “Alien vs. Senator.” – Seth Meyers
Today, a top football prospect for Michigan State was unable to sign his letter of intent because he’s in jail. Sounds like somebody’s ready for the NFL! – Conan O’Brien
