[Jokes from Jan. 31, 2017]
“Man, Donald Trump is busy these days, isn’t he? The guy’s been president for, what, six, seven days? And he’s already done 150 things that are pissing people off left and right.” – Conan O’Brien
“A psychologist at Johns Hopkins University says he believes that President Trump suffers from ‘malignant narcissism’. The condition is actually treatable, but unfortunately, Trump JUST missed the deadline for Obamacare.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I’ve been making a lot of jokes about this presidency becoming a reality show. I did not know the reality show would actually become a reality.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“We’re just 10 days in and it feels like it’s total chaos at the White House. This is supposed to be the honeymoon. How could Trump blow the honeymoon? He’s had three of them.” – Stephen Colbert
“January 31st is National Backward Day. Not to be confused with January 20th, which was Set the Nation Backward Day.” – James Corden
“Ikea has designed an emergency shelter that contains 68 components, and can be assembled in four hours. Unfortunately [shows photo of scowling Trump] we don’t have that kind of time.” – Seth Meyers
“Even people connected to Trump are taking some heat, like Disney CEO Bob Iger, who’s facing criticism for being part of a Trump advisory committee. Meanwhile, Aladdin has been stuck in customs at JFK since Saturday. You’d think he’d just take the carpet.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Trump has nominated someone to serve on the Supreme Court. He was supposed to announce his pick on Thursday but then yesterday he tweeted that he’d made his decision and would announce it live tonight. This is the first time a Supreme Court nomination has ever interrupted an episode of ‘NCIS’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Not only did the White House do everything they could to keep the nomination secret to build suspense, they brought in Trump’s final two choices, Judge Neil Gorsuch from Denver and Judge Thomas Hardiman from Pittsburgh, to see which one — that’s right, [Trump] Ryan Seacrested his choice for the Supreme Court. Like a two-on-one date on ‘The Bachelor’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump’s SCOTUS nominee is federal judge Neil Gorsuch! No surprise he chose him. He is a strict constitutional originalist. That means he rules only as the Founding Fathers intended in cases like ‘Marbury v. Electricity Is the Devil’s Magic’ and ‘The People v. Slavery Is Cool, Right?'” – Stephen Colbert
“You know who it was a surprise for? The guy who drove all the way out from Pittsburgh to not get picked as Supreme Court judge.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Trump, as you know, believes he would have won the popular vote had there not been what he says are 3 million to 5 million illegal votes cast. The expert whose work Trump cites as evidence of this is a guy named Greg G Phillips, who according to the Associated Press is registered to vote in three states.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“He’s registered to vote in Alabama, Mississippi, and Texas. You know the saying, in order to stop voter fraud, you have to be willing to commit voter fraud. Maybe he’s going undercover.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Right or wrong, Trump’s immigration ban has been a PR disaster, with heartbreaking stories like the 5-year-old boy who was detained for more than four hours and reportedly handcuffed. AND he’s a U.S. citizen!” – Stephen Colbert
“Now this sounds bad, but yesterday White House press secretary Sean Spicer defended the detainment [plays clip of Spicer]: ‘To assume that just because of someone’s age, or gender, or whatever, that they don’t pose a threat would be misguided and wrong.’ Yeah, NOT handcuffing a child is a security risk. We all know kids go through stages — you’ve got the terrible twos, the fatwa fives, it’s absolutely terrifying.” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump now says that this week he will allow 872 refugees into the United States; 872. Trump says the immigrants will arrive on Friday and start their modeling careers on Monday.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump says he wants to speed up the FDA’s drug approval process. Trump said, ‘With what I’ve got planned, America’s going to need all the drugs it can get.'” – Conan O’Brien
“President Trump today met with executives from the pharmaceutical industry, and they once again explained to him that there’s no such thing as Viagra for your hands.” – Seth Meyers
“Do you think Donald Trump is happy to see his wife eating diamonds on the cover of ‘Vanity Fair’? Or mad because they put his quote in Spanish? And if it’s in Spanish, does that mean they had to translate Trump’s original quote from Russian?” – Seth Meyers
“The one [staffer] I believe will be leaving first — mark my words, for whatever reason they give, he will be seeking other opportunities by the end of the year — is press secretary Sean Spicer. He is the guy who every day has to get up in front of his colleagues, a room full of reporters who he used to be friends with, to attempt to explain what the hell is going on.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“We’re just five days away from Super Bowl 51! And a new poll finds that the majority of Americans want the Atlanta Falcons to win. But lately we’ve learned that it doesn’t really matter what the majority of Americans want.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In Massachusetts, federal agents charged a man for money laundering after they found that he had been keeping $20 million under his mattress. Or as we’ll call it after a few years of Trump’s fiscal policy, ‘a bank’.” – James Corden
“Thirty-one pounds of cocaine have been found hidden in the nose of an American Airlines jet. Authorities became suspicious when the plane flew from Miami to New York in 16 minutes.” – Conan O’Brien
“Starbucks and Amazon are partnering to make it possible for Alexa to place your coffee order for you. All you have to do is use the simple voice command, ‘Alexa, I’m pathetic’.” – Conan O’Brien
“There was a crazy story out of Venezuela. A 25-year-old woman was arrested after attempting to break her boyfriend out of prison by smuggling him in a suitcase. The warden said it was an ‘open-and-can’t-quite-get-it-shut case’.” – James Corden
“Honestly, that’s just impressive. Don’t put that guy in prison. Put him in Cirque du Soleil! But prison officials were not amused, and they sentenced him to 10 years of solitary confinement in a fanny pack.” – James Corden
“According to a new poll, Chris Christie currently has the lowest approval rating for any governor in any state, in over 20 years. ‘Wow’ said former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich from prison.” – Seth Meyers
