[Jokes from Jan. 30, 2017]
“President Trump on Friday signed an executive order that bans citizens from seven predominantly Muslim countries from entering the United States for 90 days, bans refugees from entering the United States for 120 days. There were demonstrations in just about every major city yesterday. People went to the airport to protest. That’s when you know people are mad: It’s Sunday, they have no travel plans, and they go to the airport.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Here in New York thousands of people showed up at JFK airport over the weekend to protest Trump’s immigration ban. People who were actually at the protests said, ‘This is awful’. While people at LaGuardia were like, ‘You think you got it bad. We’re at LaGuardia.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“This weekend the nation’s airports were filled with people protesting president Trump’s Muslim ban. It was the largest collection of angry people at an airport since every United Airlines flight.” – Conan O’Brien
“There was a hash tag, #DeleteUber, trending over the weekend. People were upset because in New York when taxi drivers went on strike in solidarity with the protesters at JFK airport, Uber at the same time announced they were lowering prices at JFK. Some people thought it seemed like they were trying to profit from the strike. Which I don’t know, I highly doubt the company that charges you $300 to get home on New Year’s would be focused on money during a time like that.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Travelers from the seven restricted countries, most of them got on a plane, had no idea they would be stopped, were detained by immigration, including a 5-year-old boy who was detained for hours while his mother, who was born in Iran, waited at the gate for him. And that meant lucky Sean Spicer, the White House press secretary, had the unenviable job trying to explain how detaining a 5-year-old helps keep the country safe.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Fortunately the White House press room is on the ground floor, which is good because that way Sean won’t hurt himself when he eventually jumps out the window.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And at Dulles Airport, a 5-year-old Iranian boy was detained for hours and kept from his mother. Or as Kellyanne Conway calls it, ‘alternative daycare’.” – Stephen Colbert
“During an interview yesterday, Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway compared Donald Trump to Jesus. That’s right, two guys who started out by inheriting their father’s business.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Trump said yesterday that his ban on visitors from seven Muslim-majority nations is ‘not about religion’ but about ‘keeping our country safe’. Though if you really wanna keep Americans safe, quit making them walk in the street.” – Seth Meyers
“If Donald Trump — think of this — if he stops all the immigrants from coming into the country, where’s he going to find his next wife?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This guy is the Usain Bolt of executive orders. The latest is the order banning any refugees from entering the country for 120 days. Now, keep in mind, there are currently more refugees than at any time since World War II, and Trump just slammed the door. Explains why the poem on the Statue of Liberty now reads, ‘Don’t let it hit ya where the good Lord split ya.'” – Stephen Colbert
“So this is our first show of the Trump administration. You ever regret going on vacation? ‘Take the week off’, they said. ‘America will still be here when you get back’, they said. ‘How much could he do in a week?'” – Stephen Colbert
“You’ve got to give the guy credit. He can really get a lot of stuff undone. From Obamacare to climate change to torture, he’s already moved the country back to 2004. If this keeps up, pretty soon, I’m going to launch ‘The Colbert Report’.” – Stephen Colbert
“German Chancellor Angela Merkel this weekend reportedly had to explain the Geneva Refugee Convention to President Trump during a phone call. She also had to explain to him not to push the buttons while they were talking.” – Seth Meyers
“After Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer got emotional while protesting Trump’s travel ban, Trump accused him of fake crying. Then Melania said, ‘Trust me, he doesn’t know when someone is faking it.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The CEO of Starbucks has pledged to hire 10,000 refugees. So if you think they’re writing your name incorrectly on the cups now…” – Conan O’Brien
“When asked why, the CEO said Starbucks has always been the place for people with nowhere else to go. Yeah, just with your laptop. There are people that have been in there for nine years. Writing a single screenplay.” – Conan O’Brien
“While all this was happening, Donald Trump was hosting a screening at the White House of the movie ‘Finding Dory’, which ironically is a movie about a fish trying to find her parents. To his credit he was so moved by the film, he lifted all travel restrictions on clownfish. So that is good.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Yesterday Donald Trump spent the afternoon at the White House watching ‘Finding Dory’ with his family. Apparently in this version Dory couldn’t be found because she was being detained at the airport.” – Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday at the White House, Trump hosted a screening of the movie ‘Finding Dory’. Trump said he actually related more to ‘Finding Nemo’ because that was about an orange-and-white cartoon.” – Jimmy Fallon
“They asked Trump about the movie and Trump said, ‘I was amazed by Dory’s long attention span.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Trump spoke with a number of foreign leaders over the weekend, including the president of Mexico, the prime minister of Germany. He also spoke with Vladimir Putin for about an hour. Putin wanted to know if Trump liked the gift he got him. Donald told him, yes, he was enjoying the presidency very much.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“You know how over the course of his time in office, over four years or eight years, the president gets old and his hair turns gray? During this administration, instead of him, that’s going to happen to all of us.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“California Gov. Jerry Brown said if he has to he will fight Donald Trump in court on climate change. Experts say it will be the landmark case of Brown v. Orange.” – Conan O’Brien
“Former President Obama released his first public statement today since leaving the White House. And I have it here… just let me read it to you in full… ahem… ‘Oh HELL no!'” – Seth Meyers
