[Jokes from Jan. 24, 2017]
“The number one thing on Donald Trump’s mind right now is the election in November. He says that 3 million to 5 million illegal voters cost him the popular vote. There doesn’t seem to be any evidence to support this belief but that doesn’t matter.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Trump today met with the leaders of Fiat, Chrysler, Ford, and General Motors. And he asked them one question, ‘How many people do you think were at my inauguration?'” – Seth Meyers
“I’m 100 percent convinced if given the choice, Donald Trump would rather have won the popular vote and lost the actual election than the other way around.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Oscar nominations came out today and the movie ‘La La Land’ got 14 nominations. However, that’s only because 3 to 5 million undocumented immigrants voted illegally.” – Conan O’Brien
“ABC will air a primetime special with President Trump tomorrow night, marking his first interview since taking office. Even though the interview hasn’t even aired yet, Trump is already claiming it was watched by a billion people.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The New York Times used the word ‘lie’ to describe the president’s take on this. But I don’t know. A lie is when you say something you know isn’t true. I think Donald Trump believes it. It’s not so much a lie as it is a symptom.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It is true, I’m not making this up, he did call his inauguration day ‘A National Day of Patriotic Devotion’. So today, Trump was accused of fascism by Democrats and plagiarism by Kim Jong Un.” – Conan O’Brien
“Oscar nominations were announced today with Meryl Streep nominated for ‘Florence Foster Jenkins’, Natalie Portman for ‘Jackie’, and Hillary Clinton for smiling her way through the inauguration.” – Seth Meyers
“Following President Trump’s inauguration, the White House website no longer has an option for translation into Spanish. So, sorry, Mexican immigrants, if you want to live here, you’ll just have to learn to speak Russian.” – Seth Meyers
“Senior aides to Donald Trump say they try to keep him from watching cable TV. And that’s partly because the news channels upset him, but mostly because he’s now bought over 300 NutriBullets.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Trump signed executive orders to continue construction on the controversial Keystone and Dakota Access oil pipelines. I guess he hasn’t seen a massive protest since Saturday and kinda misses it.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Trump announced he will nominate a new Supreme Court Justice sometime next week. Trump said, ‘I just need a few more days to come up with someone completely unqualified.'” – Conan O’Brien
“President Trump got his first approval rating numbers and they aren’t good. His approval rating stands at 45 percent, which is the lowest in history for a new president. Or as his press secretary Sean Spicer put it today, ‘The highest in history for a new president’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Rolling Stone just did a big profile on Vice President Mike Pence, and revealed that Pence grew up with a cornfield in his backyard. I guess at times, he even heard a voice coming from it that said, ‘If you build it … Mexico won’t pay for it.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A Fox News host claims he saw Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway get into a fistfight at one of the inaugural balls. However, today it was explained to him that ‘that’s just how Irish people dance.'” – Conan O’Brien
