[Jokes from Jan. 19, 2017]
“Tomorrow is the presidential inauguration. People from all across country will be there. But don’t worry if you can’t make it, because the president will be live tweeting the whole thing.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Meteorologists are predicting that the weather for the inauguration tomorrow will be cold, damp, and dreary. However, things will warm up later in the afternoon, during the Rapture.” – Conan O’Brien
“North Korea is reportedly readying two intercontinental ballistic missiles to nuke Donald Trump’s inauguration. Listen, Tubby, you’re gonna have to do a lot better than that if you want to scare us this weekend.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump apparently wrote a draft of his inauguration speech himself. A little worried though, because while he was writing, he kept yelling to his secretary, ‘Is boobs spelled with two ‘o’s or three?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Now, Trump likes writing everything by hand and he actually threw away some lines for his speech that he decided not to use. Well, we got a hold of some of them. So check these out: This first line Trump threw away was ‘Four score and seven bankruptcies ago.’ Then he tried, ‘Read my lips. No new taxes — for me.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“And finally he tried, ‘Dwight D. Eisenhower said, ‘Any man who wants to be president is either an egomaniac or crazy,’ and to that I say, why not both?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump will be sworn in as president of the United States tomorrow. That’s right. Basically, we as a nation are going from the first season of ‘Lost’ to the last season. As it turns out, we’re all in purgatory. That’s the best-case scenario.” – Conan O’Brien
“One of the DJs at Donald Trump’s inauguration celebration used to be Hugh Hefner’s personal DJ. When asked how he became a DJ for both Hugh Hefner and Donald Trump, he said, ‘I’m not a very good DJ.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama surprised his White House staffers with a private concert by Bruce Springsteen to thank them for their work over the last eight years. Meanwhile, Trump thanked his supporters with a performance by a Bruce Springsteen cover brand’s drummer’s DJ friend.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today is President Obama’s final day in office, and I just want to say: Mr. President, you weren’t great for comedy. You were always sincere and eloquent. You never had a scandal or fell down the stairs. You carried yourself with grace and dignity for eight whole years. So, on behalf of comedians and talk show hosts everywhere: We’re gonna miss you, Joe!” – Conan O’Brien
“The president of Gambia is refusing to step down, even though the country has elected a new president. Which raises the question, why can’t we be more like Gambia?” – Conan O’Brien
“Today, in his last full day in office, President Obama commuted the sentences of 330 prisoners. After hearing this, Melania Trump said, ‘I hope I’m one of them.'” – Conan O’Brien
“A Southern California man has created a dating site exclusively for Trump supporters. It’s a great way for angry white men to meet other angry white men.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump’s press secretary claims that Trump’s cabinet will be one of the most diverse in history. Of course he didn’t mean American history, he meant Confederate history.” – Conan O’Brien
