[Jokes from Jan. 12, 2017]
“All of these accusations are coming out about Trump’s ties with Russia. In fact, a 2013 interview just resurfaced where Trump says he has a relationship with Vladimir Putin. While Putin’s like, ‘Ugh, you poke someone back on Facebook, next thing you know you’re in a relationship.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“There’s these allegations that Russia has compromising information on Donald Trump. It’s all based on 35 pages of opposition research that was evidently put together by a British MI6 agent. Yesterday, we didn’t know his name, and now we know his name is Steele — Christopher Steele. So, a Brit spy named Steele? Is he Remington Steele’s cousin?” – Stephen Colbert
“Now Penthouse is offering a million dollars to anyone who has compromising videos of Donald Trump. When he heard about the offer, Trump provided the videos himself. ‘I know a good deal when I see one.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The CIA is now saying that the Kremlin has multiple sexual recordings of Donald Trump. After hearing this, Trump smirked and said, ‘Yeah, all from the same night… #stamina.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The head of the office of government ethics said yesterday that the only way for Donald Trump to completely avoid conflicts of interest is to sell his assets and place them in a blind trust. Trump was like, ‘Fine, I trust Ivanka.'” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump has named 72-year-old Rudy Giuliani to be his adviser on cybersecurity. Trump explained, ‘I’m not up to speed on the latest technology, so I wanted to get somebody two years older.” – Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday, Trump held his first big press conference since the election, and he got into a shouting match with a CNN reporter who claims that Trump tried to have him thrown out. Then the other reporters were like, ‘Oh, come on. Why does HE get to leave?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Meanwhile, in our nation’s capital, our elected officials had a late night of work. After seven hours of debating, they voted to approve a resolution that would rid the country eventually of Obamacare. Can you imagine, the senators finally worked until 1:30 in the morning, and it was for this? How would Congress like it if we all met in the middle of the night and voted to take THEIR healthcare away?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Senate Republicans today passed a budget blueprint marking the first steps towards repealing Obamacare. Which means it’s going to cost us a lot more to get this mole looked at.” – Seth Meyers
“If Obamacare is repealed, 20 million Americans could lose healthcare which is a very big deal, but we don’t seem to be as fired up. If they voted to take Netflix away from us, we’d go nuts. We would burn things. It would be crazy.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama is wrapping things up at the White House. You know, cleaning out his desk, handing over the keys, and spackling over the holes in the office wall so he can get the security deposit back, squeeze a little toothpaste in there.” – Stephen Colbert
“President Obama today awarded Vice President Joe Biden the Presidential Medal of Freedom With Distinction, which is an honor only three other people have been given over the last 30 years. Then Biden gave Obama his highest honor, double finger guns with a wink.” – Seth Meyers
“Ben Affleck was patted down by TSA security at Los Angeles International Airport this week. Though when it was over, the woman whispered, ‘I’m not in the TSA.'” – Jimmy Fallon
