[Jokes from Jan. 11, 2017]
“Donald and Melania Trump are scheduled to ride with the Obamas to the Capitol on Inauguration Day. And you thought your Uber pool was uncomfortable.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In his farewell speech, President Obama said being a father to his daughters was his proudest achievement. In response, Donald Trump said being a father to his daughter is the reason he’s not allowed to date her.” – Conan O’Brien
“Obama offered to leave behind the swing set that he had installed for his kids so that Trump’s grandkids could use it, but Trump turned him down. Trump said he’ll be building a bigger, better swing set and he’s going to make the kids pay for it.” – Jimmy Fallon
“At his press conference today, Donald Trump said America will build the border wall and then be reimbursed by Mexico. The invoice will be submitted to Mexico’s Department of ‘In Your Dreams, Pendejo.'” – Conan O’Brien
“CNN reported that last Friday intelligence chiefs presented Trump with claims of Russian efforts to compromise him. I gotta say, that is an awkward first meeting with your new boss. ‘Hey, so, looking forward to working together, watercooler’s down the hall, we heard you’re a puppet of a hostile foreign government, Barbara validates parking any time you need it, any questions?'” – Stephen Colbert
“The big story right now is the new report claiming that Russia has enough embarrassing material on Donald Trump to blackmail him. On the other hand, so does anyone who follows Trump on Twitter.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Intelligence officials prepared a two-page summary of allegations that Russian operatives claim to have compromising personal and financial information about Mr. Trump. Trump received these documents as part of his intelligence briefing, so we know one thing for sure: He didn’t read them.” – Stephen Colbert
“In a tweet today, Donald Trump compared the way he’s been treated to Nazi Germany. Which is unfair, because everyone knows Hitler won his election without the help of the Russians.” – Conan O’Brien
“Trump immediately denied the report, tweeting, ‘Intelligence agencies should never have allowed this fake news to leak into the public. One last shot at me. Are we living in Nazi Germany?’ So true — we all remember how unfair Nazi Germany was to their charismatic leader. Those people were always going ‘Talk to the hand!'” – Stephen Colbert
“There will be a ’20/20’ special on Trump’s inauguration that has forced ABC to push back its premieres of ‘Scandal’ and ‘How to Get Away With Murder.’ Yeah, to make room for the special about Trump called ‘Scandal and How to Get Away With Murder.'” – Jimmy Fallon
