[Jokes from Dec. 5, 2016]
“Al Gore met with Donald Trump today to discuss climate change. They probably talked about how climate change could lead to massive floods in places like New York City. Trump was like, ‘That’s why I live on the 58th floor.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today, Al Gore met with Donald Trump to discuss climate change. To try to explain it in terms Trump would understand, Gore said, ‘The planet is getting hotter than your daughter Ivanka.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The other big news is that Trump appointed Ben Carson as his secretary of Housing and Urban Development. That means Trump talked with Ben Carson and Al Gore in the same day, which is kind of like popping an Ambien before you watch the Weather Channel.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump has nominated Ben Carson to be his secretary of Housing and Urban Development, or HUD. Incidentally, ‘hud’ is the sound that Ben Carson made when he heard the news. ‘Ben, Donald Trump is on the phone.’ ‘Hud?'” – Seth Meyers
“Congratulations are in order for Dr. Ben Carson. Do you remember him? President-elect Donald Trump picked him to run the Department of Housing and Urban Development. Which is going to be quite a surprise when he finally wakes up.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump has announced another Cabinet position. Dr. Ben Carson, who ran against him in the primary, has been nominated for secretary of Housing and Urban Development. I just get the feeling that Trump heard the word ‘urban’ and immediately decided, ‘Who do I know who’s black?'” – James Corden
“Why would he get this job? He’s a medical doctor. I feel like Donald Trump just heard the word ‘urban’ and nominated the first black friend he had.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Ben Carson has accepted Donald Trump’s offer to be secretary of Housing and Urban Development, despite previously saying he did not feel qualified to lead a governmental department. But he changed his mind because he stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night.” – Seth Meyers
“Ben Carson, in case you don’t know, is a former neurosurgeon with no experience in Housing or Urban Development. This is the first time the phrase ‘Well, it’s not brain surgery’ is actually a bad thing.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump actually first announced this in a tweet, and it becomes official as soon as Congress retweets it. I think that’s how the U.S. government works nowadays.” – James Corden
“Trump’s been busy assembling his Cabinet. His nominees are all pretty out there. As of today, the least-controversial person in his Cabinet is a guy named ‘Mad Dog’.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump is reportedly considering two Democrats for his cabinet. That’s right — and those Democrats are Donald Trump from 1996 and Donald Trump from 2004.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump is still trying to decide who to nominate for secretary of State. He’s reportedly considering David Petraeus, Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, John Bolton, and Jon Huntsman. Apparently, Trump is taking them all on a group date tonight, and one of them gets to join him in the fantasy suite.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Meanwhile, Trump announced that the CEO of Disney will be advising his transition team. Thanks to him, Trump won’t have to build a wall anymore. He’ll just charge so much for admission that nobody will want to come in.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A recent poll found that 58 percent of Americans believe Donald Trump will try to work with Democrats. Oh, Russia has Democrats? I didn’t know.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump began his post-election victory tour last week. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton has wandered so far into the woods she found the Blair Witch.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump reportedly invited the leader of the Philippines to the White House next year despite the fact that he previously told President Barack Obama to go to hell. Obama was like, ‘Oh, I’m already there. I’m already there.'” – Seth Meyers
“The Dakota Access oil pipeline, which the Sioux tribe has been protesting for months, will no longer be routed through their land. It’s a big win for Native Americans — and if the next 9 billion things go their way, we can finally call it even.” – James Corden
“Protesters from all over the country have gathered there. I would like to imagine the guy who was late and just got there today, like, ‘I’m here, how can I help? We did it? Yeah!'” – James Corden
“The Native American people who have been protesting announced that their fight is far from over, but for now, hippies with guitars can stop coming to help them.” – James Corden
“This is kind of a blow to the oil executives, who say they plan to regroup, re-plan, and look for alternate ways to ruin our environment. So we look forward to that.” – James Corden
